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50 Cent survived being shot, but didn’t really trust his fans, so he wore a bulletproof vest on stage during his concerts.

One can assume it works. After all, 50 Cent hasn’t been shot at since wearing the vest.

But Fiddy should have learned from country singer Tim McGraw that getting a cap busted in your ass is the least of one’s worries when performing on stage.

Last year during a concert, a fan grabbed Tim’s family jewels right in front of wifey Faith Hill.

Later, after shaking hands with the crowd, McGraw got his wedding ring snatched.

50 Cent probably thought it was the work of hillbillies, and paid it no mind. 

After a concert in the African country Angola, 50 Cent received a harsh lesson about concert security when a thug snatched Fiddy’s chain off his chest ON STAGE:

50 Cent was supposed to be down with Brownsville’s M.O.P., so he should’ve heard their song Ante Up at least once:

Them thugs you know, ain’t friendly
Them jewels you rock, make em envy
You thinkin it’s all good, you creep through a small hood
Goons comin up outta cut for your goods and they all should
Ante Up! Yap that fool

Maybe 50 Cent, like girls who dance to misogynistic songs at the club, liked the beat so much, he didn’t pay attention to the words.

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Tonight, Brooke White finally got the boot from American Idol in spite of being the latest poster child for Vote For The Worst.  Is this a sign that the power of the site is over after preserving scores of undeserving American Idol contestants?  Enquiring minds want to know…

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On American Idol last night, Paula Abdul gave comments on performers by reading a script. It would be kewl other than the fact that the performances on which she commented weren’t performed yet!

See the controversy for yourself here.

Of course, Idol will blame Paula for being lazy and claim she was commenting on the rehearsals which are taped and used in the recap like the Jordin Sparks controversy last year.

But the awful truth is Paula Abdul came back from the future to warn Jason Castro that he needed to step it up on his second performance that night BEFORE it happened.

Of course, Paula didn’t realize time travel is an ineffective means of changing the past, so Jason had a sucky performance anyway.

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Poor Barak Obama. 

First he had to contend with Obama Girl trying to ruin his election and marriage.

That didn’t work, so the Man sent Britney Spears to take away Obama’s shine.

Big wheel kept on turning, proud Obama kept on burning.

Then, like a cold sore that won’t go away on prom night, Jeremiah Wright had to come back and run his mouth again and again.

Why would he jeopardize Obama’s chance to make history and become the first black President?

Because Jeremiah Wright fears Barak Obama’s success.  Take a look at Obama’s race speech:

The profound mistake of Reverend Wright’s sermons is not that he spoke about racism in our society. It’s that he spoke as if our society was static; as if no progress has been made; as if this country - a country that has made it possible for one of his own members to run for the highest office in the land and build a coalition of white and black; Latino and Asian, rich and poor, young and old — is still irrevocably bound to a tragic past. But what we know — what we have seen - is that America can change. That is true genius of this nation. What we have already achieved gives us hope - the audacity to hope - for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

If Obama’s run at the White House fails, so does Obama’s argument.  And Jeremiah Wright wins.  He can say, “See, look at what they did to Brother Obama.  I told you things haven’t changed.”  Then he can write a book, start a new congregation and rake in the $$$ representing good ol’ fashioned fearmongering.

And we all know about the danger of fear as taught by noted Unitarian Universalist Master Yoda:

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

People have questioned whether Obama was present during Wright’s infamous speeches. 

But they’re looking for the wrong churchgoer. 

Instead of looking for Mr. Obama, all eyes should be on whether Britney Spears was in the crowd.  After all, a Sith apprentice is never far from their Sith Lord.

That’s right, I’m suggesting that the Man behind Obama’s troubles is actually Jeremiah Wright.  He is the Emperor to Britney Spears’ Vader.  Darth Sidious to Obama Girl’s Maul.

These are dark times indeed.

Barak Obama, may the Force be with you.

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Back in the day, people associated Jamaican music with the spliff sounds of Bob Marley. While Bob singed about revolution, he wasn’t as threatening as Peter Tosh, but that’s a discussion for another day.

My point is, if you think that getting your groove on in Jamaica is all about weeded, laid back, Red Stripe drinking chilling, check out this video (Thanks Mediatakeout.com):

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American Idol viewers are abuzz with confusion over why Syesha Mercado and Carly Smithson were in the bottom two.

According to this site, the first performer of the evening is most likely to lose.  According THIS site, it’s all the fault of band leader Ricky Minor.

Both Syesha and Carly flirted with him during the broadcast and strangely enough, both were in the bottom two, although the girls performed extremely well.

But voters didn’t know who they hated more.  If you think it was a classic battle of beauty and the beast, you’re half right.

True, the buxom, bootylicious Syesha Mercado in a tight red dress vs the  fugly, screechy Carly Smithson summons thoughts of the classic fairy tale, but the only summoning Carly Smithson did was raise holy hell.

Carly sang Jesus Christ Superstar while yelling, making ugly faces, and only smiling when talking about his torture. 

That’s right, Syesha may have been a beauty, but Carly Smithson looked like the damn devil. 

And Christian Idol voters don’t vote for blasphemous beasts singing about sweet baby Jesus.

At least, not since they voted for Taylor Hicks.

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Finally another ringer bites the dust when Carly Smithson was eliminated from American Idol!  It only makes sense when she couldn’t sell records when she had the backing of a fully operational record label. 

Thank you America, for saving us from another week of having her shout at us and call it singing!

The seam in her forehead will never been seen again! 

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The Smoking Gun dropped a bombshell. Turns out that Akon ain’t the gansta boo he tried to convince the world he is:

Akon’s invented tales appear to be part of a cynical marketing plan, but one that has met with remarkable success. Few press interviews conclude without Akon being asked about his criminal exploits and his prison days. He obliges with canned and well-rehearsed claims, false as they may be, and compares his supposed nationwide operation to those depicted in the movies “Gone in 60 Seconds” and “New Jersey Drive.”

Akon joins a long list of studio gangsters like Dr. Dre and Ja Rule and has me wondering if he really tossed that dude off the stage last year.

In times like these, I’m missing the hell out of Eazy-E, a REAL Muthafrakkin’ G. NSFW since he’s not a role model or a Dr. Seuss, he was a gansta, and about to get stupid.

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In the epic battle between JK Rowling and Steven Van der Ark over a dictionary, Rowling could lose the decision because she’s been a little too fan friendly. Apparently, Rowling has to prove the Lexicon will have a damaging effect on her books:

That’s a tough argument for Rowling to make here because she, in the past, has been so encouraging of fan Web sites and lexicons and the like. This is where she has her major problem.

If smacking down a French teenager wasn’t bad ass enough, I guess she’ll have to kick the living Hogwarts out of some more fans.

Muggles beware!  Your Internets will be your downfall!

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For years, minorities have decried the lack of representation on shows like Seinfeld and Friends, for the basic fact that New York is chock full of ethnic folks.  Smallville is more diverse, and that place in Kansas, fer Pete’s sake!

The lack of diversity has been attributed to generational backwardness.  Old cooters like Jerry Seinfeld and the writers of Friends, weren’t raised in environments The Dude would call racially cool.  Unlike The Dude, they weren’t interested enough to enact change, man.   But the dude is fictional and the Real Housewives of New York are real. 

Last night, we finally saw minority representation other than LuAnn’s maid.  The first was a sassy Caribbean worker for Jill Zarin’s business.  The second was a recovering drug addict guided through a mock interview by the Countess. Then we had Black Joe at Bethenney Frankel’s birthday party at the track.

I though, “Man, she has a black friend!  Take that Seinfeld!”  Then we found out that Black Joe wasn’t a friend after all.  He was a negro who got them drinks and placed bets for her and her friends. Whether or not Black Joe is descended from Nigger Jim in  Huck Finn  remains to be seen.

If this is what diversity means to “Real” New Yorkers, I guess it’s a good thing that Friends and Seinfeld didn’t have minorities.

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