Refried Screens

Who would’ve thunk that Kris Allen would beat Adam Lambert in the American Idol Finale? There went the hopes for the first openly gay Idol winner. Do you think that had any role in the voting?

Ratings are down this season for American Idol and last night we finally figured out why:

None of the faves to win have any credibility.

Syesha pathetically fails at sexing up cabaret.

David Cook can’t pull off emo.

And David Archuleta makes everything sound like elevator music.

When Tina Turner sang Proud Mary, you could believe that she actually saw the big wheel that kept on turning. Aretha and Carol King made millions feel like Natural Women. And Otis Redding made you feel like you were Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay wasting time.

In other words, real singers can EMOTE.

Each American Idol contestant theoretically has enough drama in their lives to draw upon for emotion, but they just don’t know how to do it.

David Archuleta may not know love, but he knows the cold sting of his stage dad’s backhand. But when Archuleta sings about fear, it’s not believable.

Syesha Mercado suffered through a drug addled father, but Syesha acts like she doesn’t know what Fever is, although she’s seen fiending first hand.

When David Cook sings about not wanting to Miss A Thing, we don’t know if he’s missed anything until we look at his comb over and realize David Cook misses hair lost through male pattern baldness.

They lack soul, passion, and realness.

Realness isn’t really a word, but when some people say it, you BELIEVE IT, dangumbit!

Unless the American Idol finalists can convince us that they know the emotions contained in the words and melodies of the songs they’re singing. Unless they can do more than just remembering words, screeching, and displaying vocal control and range, nobody willl buy their credibility as artists now and nobody will buy their records either.

Simon you do have a problem.

Tonight, Brooke White finally got the boot from American Idol in spite of being the latest poster child for Vote For The Worst.  Is this a sign that the power of the site is over after preserving scores of undeserving American Idol contestants?  Enquiring minds want to know…

On American Idol last night, Paula Abdul gave comments on performers by reading a script. It would be kewl other than the fact that the performances on which she commented weren’t performed yet!

See the controversy for yourself here.

Of course, Idol will blame Paula for being lazy and claim she was commenting on the rehearsals which are taped and used in the recap like the Jordin Sparks controversy last year.

But the awful truth is Paula Abdul came back from the future to warn Jason Castro that he needed to step it up on his second performance that night BEFORE it happened.

Of course, Paula didn’t realize time travel is an ineffective means of changing the past, so Jason had a sucky performance anyway.

American Idol viewers are abuzz with confusion over why Syesha Mercado and Carly Smithson were in the bottom two.

According to this site, the first performer of the evening is most likely to lose.  According THIS site, it’s all the fault of band leader Ricky Minor.

Both Syesha and Carly flirted with him during the broadcast and strangely enough, both were in the bottom two, although the girls performed extremely well.

But voters didn’t know who they hated more.  If you think it was a classic battle of beauty and the beast, you’re half right.

True, the buxom, bootylicious Syesha Mercado in a tight red dress vs the  fugly, screechy Carly Smithson summons thoughts of the classic fairy tale, but the only summoning Carly Smithson did was raise holy hell.

Carly sang Jesus Christ Superstar while yelling, making ugly faces, and only smiling when talking about his torture. 

That’s right, Syesha may have been a beauty, but Carly Smithson looked like the damn devil. 

And Christian Idol voters don’t vote for blasphemous beasts singing about sweet baby Jesus.

At least, not since they voted for Taylor Hicks.

Finally another ringer bites the dust when Carly Smithson was eliminated from American Idol!  It only makes sense when she couldn’t sell records when she had the backing of a fully operational record label. 

Thank you America, for saving us from another week of having her shout at us and call it singing!

The seam in her forehead will never been seen again! 

Bad Luck Schleprock, meet your Aussie counterpart: Michael Johns.

Most Idol contestants who eventually lose will at least flirt with the bottom three, which serves as a wake-up call for their fans to vote for them.

But not Michael Johns. 

He was not a power bottom.  His first trip to the bottom three was his last. 

Some contestants engage in annoyingly repetitive behavior which gets lampooned by the popular media.  Like Melinda Doolittle’s patented Look O’ Surprise last season. 

But not Michael Johns.

His annoying “testify” hand gesture didn’t even make his local papers.

Some American Idol contestants, like Carly Hennessey Smithson, recorded albums that got released and bombed. 

But not Michael Johns.

According to this video, he allegedly joined a band and liked their music so much, he borrowed it to share with his new band, got a record deal, recorded a CD, only to have it canceled before its release.

So Michael Johns or Michael Lee, we feel your pain and hope next time you enter a competition based on nationalism and age preference, it’s a better fit for an Australian dude in his thirties than American Idol.

Once again, American Idol demonstrated the chasm between pretenders and contenders.

Poor little Ramiele Malubay was eliminated last night on American Idol for the simple fact that she was boring.

And it troubles me, given her work photos…

I mean, where was this spiciness on stage? If she grabbed boobies during the show, she would’ve been a shoo-in for the final three.

And don’t get me started on alleged gay stripper David Hernandez.

Where was his fabulousness when he needed it most? An unscripted public lap dance on prime time television for Simon would’ve put Elvis on Ed Sullivan to shame!

The real message for ham and eggers is, it’s a lot harder being a freak on stage than it is in real life.

A message that makes me miss Ol’ Dirty Bastard now more than ever…

Kristy Lee Cook survived yet another elimination on American Idol.  This time it was against Vote for the Worst favorite Amanda Overmyer.  Some might see it as yet another example of the show being rigged.  Others might see it as Amanda Overmyer’s lack of talent finally catching up to her.

But I know better. 

Teens vote for Jason Castro… 

Grannies vote for David Archuleta…

Horndogs vote for Syesha Mercado… 

But who does the Ku Klux Klan vote for?

KKKristy (Robert E.) Lee.

Man, I knew it was mentioned before, but David Cook needs to kill that combover.  I know he has a big meathead not conducive to being bald, but GODDAMN!  American Idol fans hate wigs, when are they going to realize that combovers are the next worst thing?

I know American Idol stylists are with me on that one.  Imagine the time they could save not having to hide that big ass forehead made even bigger by his baldness. 

Maybe he should rock a head scarf, get some hair plugs, or braids or SOMETHING!  If there ever was a time for photoshop skillz, it would be RIGHT NOW.  But I’d have to look at that smooshed up, tossed hairflip even more than I do by putting the photo up!