Refried Screens

For decades, codebreakers scoured newspapers to decipher vast international conspiracies. With the advent of the Internet, it is possible to deconstruct massive media conspiracies by surfing the web.

Case in point?

Jordin Sparks was picked, packaged, and presented as the American Idol months before we knew she existed.

Don’t believe me? Follow me on a journey which will have your head spinning and heart pumping. You will understand that Howard Stern was correct: Jordin Sparks’ victory is a mass manipulation on a conspiratorial level unmatched since Jethro Tull won the heavy metal Grammy over Metallica.

(First, check yesterday’s story on Howard Stern’s theory, if you haven’t already.)

One would think Howard was batty. That is, until one visited Tabloid Baby’s article on Newsgasm revealing photos showing Jordin with Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson three years ago, even though they pretended not to know her when she auditioned.

Throughout the season, Jordin’s mantra was “I’m Just 17 years old!”, which as Lisa De Moraes notes, was what ‘the show’s three judges reminded viewers at every possible moment in the four-month-long competition.’

It’s a marketing ploy which paid off, as every story covering American Idol mentions Jordin’s age, and how she’s the youngest idol EVER!

The marketing was burrowed in our brains by her duet with Blake Lewis covering The Beatles’ “I Saw Her Standing There” which starts out with “She was just 17, you know what I mean…“

Blake Lewis, forever the rebel, wanted to spite the competition once he discovered the conspiracy:

After the show, Lewis told reporters backstage that he had pegged Sparks as the next “American Idol” weeks ago. “I feel great,” he said. “I was trying to wear a ‘Vote For Jordin Sparks’ T-shirt last night but they wouldn’t let me.”

Who are the ‘they‘ who wouldn’t let Blake support Jordin? And how could ‘they‘ convince Blake to prove his allegiance to ‘them‘? Did ‘they‘ get to him? This isn’t any mere mortal we’re talking about. It’s Blake Frickin’ Lewis, who will beatbox his Jamiroquai all over your non-311 loving hindpots!

Perhaps ‘they‘ were the puppetmasters pulling the strings on other Idol contestants in a story covered by TMZ:

“A.I.” castoffs Antonella Barba, Haley Scarnato and Gina Glocksen are pretty clear as to who their pick to win “Idol” is… and it’s not Blake Lewis. The three rejects have spent the last week asking all of their fans to vote for Jordin Sparks. The girls have posted bulletins non stop on each of their MySpace pages, urging readers to make Jordin the next “American Idol” winner.

Creepy enough for you?

There’s even more…

A YouTuber believes that ‘they‘ manipulated footage to boost Jordin’s likelihood of winning and the video of Jordin’s disappearing tears.

Evidence provided by Votefortheworst.com suggest the conspiracy of ‘them‘ to increase Jordin’s margin of victory was strengthened through the pro-life movement and Jordin’s prominent anti-abortion stance, including appearing at anti-abortion rallies and having photos on her myspace account, courting the Christian Right.

What is the master plan?

There are three theories:

The first involves Capitalism:

‘They‘ are American Idol producers who get money from exploiting Jordan Sparks. Jordin Sparks is young and cute. Tweens like her, and Tweens have more purchasing power than anyone else on the planet. And ‘they‘ want to get Tweens money;

The second involves Politics:

‘They‘ want to condition Americans to vote for Barack Obama as president, envisioned by Katherine Meizel:

I’ve been fantasizing about how the Season 6 lack-of-the-South upset might relate to the newly real potential of Barack Obama’s presidential candidacy. Like our Top 2, he’s not Southern; like Jordin, his family background is multiracial; and I think that if he were an American Idol contestant, he would probably wear sweater vests. Maybe the rise of Blake and Jordin is connected to the recent barometric shift in our political climate, away from the status quo and toward something, like Blake’s beatboxing, more “contemporary.” Or maybe it’s just a singing competition after all.

(I have to note my continued befuddlement over the “beatboxing is contemporary” crap? Doug E. Fresh, the “original human beat box” (not to be confused with the Fat Boys Human Beat Box) performed “The Show” last night. Which was a hit…back in 1985!);

The third involves Religion:

‘They‘ believe that America, no, the world, needs a Christian Idol after Bert, Cat Stevens, and Mickey Mouse converted to Islam.

And that Idol?

Jordin Sparks.

Whoever ‘they‘ are, ‘they‘ must be distraught since American Idol season finale ratings are down 19% from last year.

That’s right, Taylor Hicks got higher ratings than Jordin.

‘They‘ should have rigged the show to make the finals Sanjaya versus Melinda.

Oh, I fergot. According to Stern, that’s what it would’ve been if ‘they‘ didn’t tinker with the results in the first place.

See what happens when you try to play God, ‘they‘ who run American Idol?

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Howard Stern was right. American Idol is rigged.

Last week, after Melinda Doolittle, the best singer in American Idol, lost to a beatboxer, we’re all supposed to believe that American Idol is about singing, not perceived entertainment value, looks, or anything else.

Really?

That’s what the judges kept on saying last night, as if last week didn’t happen.

Or, as if American Idol had blind auditions, like orchestras fighting sexism or Bam Bam Flintsone, with contestants singing behind a screen.

Fortunately, one critic, Lisa de Moraes, didn’t let them off the hook:

“Once again the final night of “American Idol” competition pits a goofy, likable guy with a crowd-pleasing schtick and not so much of a voice against a pretty young woman with a big, gorgeous voice but not so much entertainment value. No, not Taylor Hicks vs. Kat McPhee. That was last year. No, not Bo Bice vs. Carrie Underwood. That was two years ago.”

The formula of goofy guy vs pretty girl means higher ratings for American Idol. Since this is the third season in a row where the final showdown has that formula, we’re supposed to believe it’s coincidence?

That ain’t no coincidence! It’s a fix!

Remember what I posted a few days ago:

The story concluded with three sources telling Howard 100 News that Jordin Sparks has long been scheduled to be the winner of American Idol.

What was the refrain last night?

American Idol is just a singing competition.

It would be one thing if Melinda was the only person to lose against an inferior singer. But what about Sanjaya’s dominance? What about LaKisha Jones losing out to Blake?

Doesn’t mean a thing. American Idol is just about singing.

If Flavor Flav faced off against Brad Pitt in the finals of the “Sexiest Man Alive” competition, do you think we’d let the judges get away with the same crap they tried to pull last night, if a week earlier Flav beat Johnny Depp?

Check out what American Idol Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe said:

“I’m delighted. I think it’s the uniqueness of Blake and the actual growth of Jordin. Melinda and LaKisha (Jones) started off as front-runners, and I think Jordin overtook them. From the show’s point of view, having two girls in the final wouldn’t have been as strong as a boy and a girl.”

Before last night’s episode, Simon noted in the same article that the contest tune is “going to be harder for Blake to sing. It’s more of a ballad.”

Then why didn’t the Producers level the playing field and pick a song that would work for Blake AND Jordin?

The story concluded with three sources telling Howard 100 News that Jordin Sparks has long been scheduled to be the winner of American Idol.

Any notion that American Idol is just a singing competition should have been destroyed on April 21, 2004 when Jennifer Hudson, LaToya London and Fantasia were in the bottom three. A few weeks later, Jasmine Trias stayed and London was voted off. Karma allegedly rectified things when Fantasia won.

But what about last season? Would Taylor Hicks have won because he was a better singer than Elliot Yamin, Chris Daughtry, and Katherine McPhee?

Millions of people, week after week, ‘voted’ for Taylor Hicks. In the finals, Hicks received over 31.7 MILLION VOTES, but only 667,000 of those people bought his album? And don’t tell me that his mama bought all the copies.

American Idol executive producer Nigel Lythgoe concedes that the voters’ choice isn’t always the consumer choice, as seen in Hicks’ record sales next to Daughtry’s.

I ask you, is ‘voter’s choice’ responsible for Melinda losing or is it the fact that Blake would be easier competition for a contestant the producers think they can make more money from?

The story concluded with three sources telling Howard 100 News that Jordin Sparks has long been scheduled to be the winner of American Idol.

Where is the outrage?

Where is the concern?

Where is the support for Melinda Doolittle?

I forgot.

We’re lazy.
———
Do you believe that the fix is on? Or is the ‘boy vs girl’ competition for the third year in a row a natural occurrence?

For the past couple of weeks, there’s been a scandal taking place on this here Internet involving a former reality show competitor, pornography, and the classic question of “is it or isn’t it”: Galilea Montijo.

Months ago, the subject of this query was Antonella Barba of American Idol fame. Antonella Barba was a contestant on American Idol with a voice so bad, even Paula Abdul bemoaned her success. Week after week, Antonella stayed on the show not because of her voice, but because she was hot. Antonella Barba was the first poster child for Votefortheworst.com over Sanjaya, since she had (ahem) less talent than Sanjaya. What made matters worse was a scandal involving Girls Gone Wildesque pictures of Antonella. The controversy was monumental because it was the first time most heterosexual men would call in to vote on American Idol numerous times to keep a contestant on air.

Their hope? If the photos surfacing were getting sluttier by the week, who knows WHAT would eventually pop up.

And pop up they did.

The only problem?

They weren’t Antonella Barba.

Antonella took slutty photos, but the SUPER slutty picks were of someone who looked like her.

The controversy was so bad, even Simon gave her a supporting shout out on air. Whether Simon was one of the heterosexual males who was hoping for more was never confirmed.

Fast forward a few months later and enter Galilea Montijo.

A former winner of Big Brother Mexico, she went on to appear in a number of television shows. A sex tape popped up and the Internet went ABLAZE!

And it’s still on fire.

Some people say the ’star’ in the sex tape isn’t Galilea Montijo.

Others say it isn’t even a Mexican, but none other than Monique Fuentes, Colombian porn star:

What really bothers me about this, is the fact that people can’t tell the difference between Mexicans and Colombians.

It’s an outrage.

And it’s the biggest scandal since Brucesploitation: The explosion of Bruce Lee impostors capitalizing on his image after his death to make a buck.

Brucesploitation was worse than Elvis impersonation, because I didn’t waste $5 back in the day watching a phony Elvis in Enter The Game of Death, thinking it was a Bruce Lee movie and getting Bruce Le instead.

Or watching Return Of The Tiger with Bruce Li.

Hell, Elvis didn’t ruin my hopes with Bruce Lee Fights Back From The Grave.

It was Bruce K.L. Lea.

Damn you, Bruce K.L. Lea, wherever you are! I was a just a kid and watched your crap movie instead of the Washington Redskins v. Dallas Cowboys football game! Of course, since I missed the game, the Redskins lost and, like every other kid, I thought that the Redskins would lose if I didn’t watch them play.

I blamed myself. And it took me years to realize it wasn’t my fault.

In wake of my little rant, let’s not forget the real victims in scandals involving fakery:

The fans.

Out there, somewhere, there is a Galilea Montijo fanboy. Although there are plenty of other naked women in pornos he can ogle, he has his mind set on sweet Galilea.

And now?

His dreams are crushed.

And a little of us dies as well.

Oh, Adobe photoshop! Curses on your developers for playing your tawdry games!
—-
Where do you stand on celebrity fakes? And were you tricked by Brucesploitation? Which ’sploitation do you have some ’spaining to do?

It was only a matter of time.

People like to talk about disfranchisement of Florida voters in the 2000 elections.

Folks raged.

Al Gore punked out.

Bush became president.

Stacey Stillman, loser in the first season of Survivor, sued CBS claiming that the producers arranged her exit and orchestrated the show’s outcome.

Jim McAllister rigged the vote against Tracy Flick in the movie Election. Tracy cried her poor eyes out, but justice was served. In the end, she got the presidential crown she greatly deserved.

Was Melinda Doolittle a victim of similar skullduggery?

According to Howard 100 news, American Idol lied about the results to get rid of Melinda Doolittle:

The show decided to switch horses at the last minute…Blake Lewis was allegedly scheduled to be told to go home last night, until Idol producers changed their minds. Our source claiming Simon Cowell allegedly said quote “F— Howard Stern,” and added that the Idol result last night would be the opposite of what Howard 100 News reported. All of which might explain the strange subdued mood on American Idol last night.

Not only did they make that allegation, Howard 100 went a step further and purports that in 6 seasons only two American Idol’s have been picked by the viewing public.

The source claims that this season, producers of the show had allegedly decided to go straight, to let viewer votes decide the winner, but panicked when Howard Stern and VotefortheWorst.com backed Sanjaya. The show then reverted back to picking the winner, according to our source. The source claims Sanjaya was running away with the competition, until producers decided to take back control and throw him off the show in spite of Sanjaya’s alleged vote victories.

Yes, it all goes back to Sanjaya.

I told you he was supposed to win!

The story concluded with three sources telling Howard 100 News that Jordin Sparks has long been scheduled to be the winner of American Idol.

Is this just a rumor?

Melinda did seem subdued.

And what about her t-shirt?

It says “Death Cheaters”. Is it a message? Did she really mean “death to the cheaters”? Who are the cheaters she’s referencing? The producers who rigged the vote?

Here’s the shirt in full:

(you can find them here).

Get your conspiracy caps on!

Did American Idol producers rig the results to spite Howard Stern?
Was Melinda Doolittle’s choice of garb a product of knowing she was going to be wronged?
Will producers go with the alleged original plan: Jordin Sparks as YOUR American Idol?
Or, since the cat is out of the bag, will American Idol producers flip the script and have Blake Lewis win?

This is nothing new. Back in the 50’s, Quiz Shows were the rage. Sponsors and producers realized that keeping popular contestants on the show would increase ratings and revenue.
So they rigged the results. When bitter, loser contestants ratted, the ratings dipped.
Congress soon got involved and passed laws regulating game shows. Quiz Shows disappeared for decades, but they’re back. And people are still complaining (for more on Quiz Show scandals, click here.)

Until American Idol releases the results, people will claim it’s rigged. Hell, even if the results were released, people will still claim it’s rigged.

As for me?

I look at that great source of nerd inspiration, The Matrix, for guidance:

“You know, I know this steak doesn’t exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy, and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss.”

Like Cypher, instead of raging against an illusionary construct…instead of turning my back on the show…

I’m gonna watch.

Blake and Jordin may not be as juicy and delicious as Cyber’s steak, but watching Blake’s horrid beatboxing and Jordin’s awkward gesturing while screeching through a song, sure as hell beats watching NCIS!
——
Do you think American Idol is rigged? Does it matter? Would Sanjaya have won?

Since Melinda Doolittle was voted off American Idol last night, folks are scrambling for reasons why the most talented, consistent performer isn’t going to be in the finals.

One reviewer from the Washington Post theorizes:

Everything about Jordin and Blake seemed younger — they are younger, truth be told — and it’s a truism that America worships youth.

Do Americans worship youth?

If you look at the top grossing movies for 2007, according to Box Office Mojo, all of the top 5 movies have old farts in them:

Spider-Man has been around since the 60s.
300 = Old Spartan farts.
Wild Hogs has an ensemble cast of old farts.
Nicholas Cage. Nuff said.
Will Ferrell = funny old fart.

If we worshipped youth, how do you explain the M.I.L.F. phenomenon?

How do you explain old as dirt Taylor Hicks beating the younger Katherine McPhee in last season’s American Idol finale?

And how do you explain my broke ass, raggedy 65 year old neighbor still pulling honeys?

Something else is afoot.

I, like many others, stopped voting for Melinda weeks ago because she seemed to be a shoo in. There wasn’t a sense of urgency to make sure her old (by American Idol standards) ass passed to the next round.

Once Chris Richardson and Sanjaya lost, the tween vote went to Blake.

And tweens are rabid.

Look at the footage from last night. The crowds for Blake and Jordin were buckwild. Melinda’s fans, on the other hand, looked like paid extras and family members of the American Idol camera crew…much like that weird, fat, hairy guy in all of the American Idol Ford commercials.

If you really want to know how we are, let’s look at some recent events:

We know that gas shouldn’t be $4 a gallon…
We know that Michael Buble shouldn’t have the #1 album of the week…
We know that Richard Gere shouldn’t be persecuted for making out with a hot Bollywood actress…

And what do we do about it?

Not a goddamn thing!

So, I ask you again, is the reason why Melinda Doolittle lost because Americans worship youth?

Nope. We’re just lazy.
—–
Why do you think Melinda was voted off last night? And, who the hell is buying Michael Buble’s album?

If Sanjaya had to compete against these drag queens, he’d be TOAST.

I didn’t think he’d run out of his 15 minutes so quickly!

Somehow, being a contestant on ‘I Love New York‘ Season 2 doesn’t seem that farfetched!

You can find the video here.

Last week, I got all preachy about Alec Baldwin calling his daughter a “thoughtless little pig“. After reading Kiros’ comment, I took a long, soulful look back to my youth.

At 11 or 12, whatever the age is, as Mr. Baldwin put it, you do some pretty thick headed things. I sure as hell did when I was that age and got called names much worse than “thoughtless little pig” in addition to getting whipped.

Before you get all ridiculous, realize that although Alec Baldwin lost his cool, he isn’t that bad when you put things in context.

How bad, you ask?

Here’s a list of Celebrity Parental Behavior more notorious than Alec Baldwin’s:

Scary Spice naming her kid after Eddie Murphy…if the vasectomy rumor is true/Eddie Murphy…if the baby is his. See Dr. J.

Michael Jackson’s parenting skills. Start saving for the therapy now.

Gary Coleman’s parents pimped him out and took his money.

Joan Crawford beat her kid with wire hangers.

Joe Simpson’s ranting about Jessica Simpson’s Double D’s and other…behavior around his daughters.

Britney Spears’ car seat fiasco and pantyless antics. However, Britney didn’t learn her bad parenting through Paris Hilton. She was influenced by the original ‘clubbing while kids are home‘ kingpin.

Doctor Doom adopted a kid named Kristoff, who suggested that he team up with another supervillan. Doom’s response? Choking the hell out of Kristoff! We’re not going to comment on the crazy things Kristoff must’ve seen around Daddy Doom…

Darth Vader chopped off the hand of his son, Luke Skywalker.

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler getting “custody“:

The 27 year front mans eye was caught by a 14 year old girl named Diana Hall. The pair fell in love and Tyler moved her into her Boston apartment so that they could be together- but only after Halls parents signed her over to Tyler as her guardian.

And the worst?

In the American Idol prelim round, Momjaya brazenly stating on national television that her daughter is better than Sanjaya. Clearly he is superior performer.

He is, after all, Sanjaya.

So what possibly did she mean? That he doesn’t smoke enough weed? Another note for the weed watch:

See? Alec isn’t that bad after all, is he?

—————-

Were we too harsh on Alec Baldwin? What bad celebrity parenting did we miss?

When you hear the words “sexual trailblazer”, who do you think of?

Al Kinsey?

Nerd.

Sigmund Freud? Punk ass.

Elvis?Poseur.

Madonna?
Oh, Hell to the No!

THE Sexual Trailblazer?

Richard Tiffany Gere.

The recent Indian furor with Shilpa Shetty may seem out of character for a humble Buddhist, but behind that facade lies a man who has taken sexual issues and shoved it in the face of prudishness.

In Looking for Mr. Goodbar, he played a jealous and possessive playa-playa.
In American Gigolo, he was the first major Hollywood actor to engage in full frontal nudity.
Pretty Woman brought prostitution to the mainstream…in a Disney movie!

Elvis and Madonna may have had envelope pushing controversies in the past, but what did they do last week?

Elvis came back from the dead to sing with Celine Dion.
Madonna visited Malawi.

Richard Gere, on the other hand, was chilling on The Daily Show cracking jokes while he’s facing arrest in India.

Richard Gere may be wanted in India for “transgressing all limits of vulgarity”, but he’s not afraid. He’s been here before. And if he can face the wrath of Rambo and the scorn of society through a vicious gerbil rumor, he can weather this storm.

Best believe that.

Defamer analyzes Sanjaya’s claim that he isn’t gay in a People article.

The reason why he’s so fey?

He UNDERSTANDS women:

Malakar, whose parents divorced when he was 3, says his ease with women comes from being close to his mom and his sister, Shyamali, who were his biggest influence growing up in Seattle.

The casual observer might find that sweet and endearing.

But it isn’t.

TMZ notes that the National Enquirer uncovered a Pierce County, Washington police report finding 310 marijuana plants in the Malakar family garage. They have the mug shot of Momjaya and the charging doc up.

His sister Shymali allegedly kept watch with a bag of weed and drug paraphernalia.

Why should we worry?

Sanjaya is still a teenager, and according to Focus Adolescent Services, teenagers at risk for developing serious alcohol and drug problems include those who have a family history of substance abuse, who are depressed, have low self-esteem, and who feel like they don’t fit in or are out of the mainstream.

Given the family’s alleged drug love, Sanjaya’s not fitting in/being mainstream, and having a bad time last week, Desissified is starting an official “SANJAYA WEED WATCH” to make sure he doesn’t fall victim to the vice that plagued his two biggest inspirations.

I’m sure someone is on a Sanjaya watch for another faux pas committed by his sister:

Fortunately, I ain’t gonna be on it. Someone else can take up SANJAYA NEKKID GUITAR PLAYIN’ WATCH.
——-
Do you think Sanjaya is an “at risk teen”? What are you willing to do to help in the Weed Watch?

It’s bad enough that Sanjaya was booed at a Dodgers-Padres game, got the boot from American Idol, and was slammed by a panel of industry experts in USA Today.

But the worst thing that could happen to his career is looming. A threat that would destroy his fragile state of mind:

“Britney started watching American Idol when she was in rehab. She became a huge Sanjaya fan and thinks the two of them can make beautiful music together,” the National Ledger quoted a source as saying.

The article further notes that Britney has dispatched her agents to contact Sanjaya.

If Sanjaya is allowed to work with Britney, he will be lost.

Now is the time to take a stand.

Efforts must be undertaken to stop Britney from corrupting Sanjaya’s kid-friendly, non-threatening, pre-pedophile controversy Michael Jacksonian mojo.

You might say this is madness.

Madness?

THIS IS SANJAYA!

——-
What impact do you think Britney will have on Sanjaya?