Refried Screens

Is this Amy Winehouse smoking crack or is she smoking…who am I trying to kid, of COURSE it’s crack!

I blame Bill Clinton and Eminem. If the first “black” president can have the “Itis”, Eminem can pull an Elvis, what choice did the world’s favorite Wigger have but play homage to former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry?

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Some people think Lindsay Lohan’s multiple makeouts are a result of nyphomania or drugs.

But they’re not.

Lindsay Lohan hooks up with average looking, pot-bellied guys in an attempt to inspire hope in the hearts of the average joe. It’s backlash against my earlier post extolling the virtues of non-celebrity women.

Instead of viewing her as some high post, unattainable starlet, she wants to be viewed as a girl that, with enough booze, will play tonsil hockey with any one. She’s not picky, so why not watch her movies or buy her albums?

The only problem with her plan is that it assumes she has a movie or album to hock. But sadly, the only thing she’s hocking in the saliva of some slobs in Italy.

2007 wasn’t Beyonce’s year.

She burned fans in St. Louis, fell down the stairs in Orlando, and had wardrobe malfunctions in Toronto and Shanghai. To top it off, she was sued for stealing lyrics.

2008 seems to bring different mojo for the Bootylicious one.

First, Kanye West admitted that Beyonce is the queen of Connect Four and now, a judge upheld a dismissal of the copyright infringement (AKA “Stole Me Lyrics”) suit against her.

If this means no more wardrobe malfunctions, it’s great for Beyonce, but horrible news for Petros who regularly posts his love for that jelly in the comments section right here.

Perez Hilton doesn’t believe Nickelodeon’s planned pregnancy special to save the future and chastity of impressionable Jamie Lynn Spears/Zoey 101 fans is enough to make a difference in educating teens.  But it seems as if teens aren’t the only ones who need a little help in understanding what pregnancy does.

Take 39 year old and 5 months pregnant Jennifer Lopez:

“I’ve put on 42 pounds and my belly’s all podgy. I don’t know what’s going on.”

Would J.Lo have gotten pregnant had she known pregnancy causes weight gain?  Just like the answer to the eternal quandry: “How many licks does it take to get into the center of the Tootsie Pop?”, the world will never know.

Since most women gain 25-35 pounds during pregnancy and J. Lo has yet to finish her second trimester, something tells me that her brood have probably inherited her award winning junk in the trunk. 

Either that, or she was on one hell of a starvation diet before she got pregnant and the free KFC came in handy.

Poor Marc Anthony is still so skinny, he looks as if Jenny don’t share the Honey BBQ Wings.

And that’s a damn shame.  He looks like he needs it..and the biscuits with gravy!

When I first started this blog, wardrobe malfunctions were all the rage.  I was fascinated by the fact that people who spent so much money on their image and wardrobe would “accidentally” pick defective clothes.  

Then, it became so regular, I didn’t believe in an “unintentional” celebrity wardrobe malfunction. 

Now, it’s so passe, I’m not going to report on them anymore.

So, no, you will not be seeing stories on Megan Fox’s nipple slip which you can find here.

Nor will you find me writing about Tyra Banks’ fashion nightmare which bared.  That kind of thing is found here. 

And forget about Eva Mendez showing her booty for a good cause here.

There are a lot of hard working women who earn their hard earned dollars in burlesque and resent celebrities that flaunt their wares in such a cheap and tawdry manner. And for FREE of all things! Who would I be, to cheapen their livelihood by contributing to the problem?

So, fare thee well, wardrobe malfunction. One day, you may yet be used in your wholesome, innocent, originally intended manner, before Hollywood bastardized you.

No matter how hard Heather Mills tries to get away from the media, they keep on dragging her back in!

Take her recent melodramatic rant on the British telly where she doomed her daughter to a lifetime of therapy by harping on her desire to kill herself so her daughter can be with her father, Paul McCartney. 

Of course, she doesn’t have to kill herself for him to have custody, but where is the drama in that? 

Plus, we learned that there’s an ‘underground movement‘ to kill her and she has a secret safe with info on the people behind her misery, which will be revealed if the ‘movement’ offs her:

“The stuff in the safe… I’m protecting that party because I care about that party,” she said.

“It’s a very difficult thing. But if it’s going to carry on then I’m going to have to tell all the truth.”

Part 1 is here Part 2 is here.

Sarah Ferguson, the original Fergie, has a few words for Heather Mills and other drama queens like Britney Spears:

“It’s quite difficult when you’re in it - when it’s right in your face.  But there’s always a reason for it, so maybe you have to change something in yourself.  It’s give and take. If you are on the public stage, it’s your public stage. Otherwise, don’t be on the public stage. That’s what I really think. If you’re on it, accept it, if you don’t want to accept it, get off it… It’s taken me 47 years to understand that.”

Lindsay Lohan is out of touch.

First she abuses coke like it’s the 80’s, now she’s rocking the collagen like it’s the 90’s, weeks after Britney Spears got Jolied:

I’m beginning to think that Mean Girls was a fluke.  Lindsay Lohan can’t pick a decent film project to save her life, and now she’s showing an inability to pick beautification augmentation as well.

At this rate, she’ll get butt implants just around the time Kim Kardashian gets her own damaged implant fixed. 

Since Kim Kardashian posed for Playboy, her photos confirmed what some have believed all along: She has butt implants. 

The tell-tale sign?  An indentation you can see in a photo here (NSFW).  For many, the photo has solved a mystery.  For me, the mystery has just begun:

I want to know who dented Kim Kardashian’s butt implant?

The list of known suspects:

Ray J…

Nick Cannon…

Reggie Bush…

Sounds like a job for the Bloodhound Gang:

The problem?  The Bloodhound Gang may solve mysteries, but they solve clean, wholesome mysteries.  Plus the Puerto Rican dude is dead.

I guess we’re stuck with House.  Who better to solve a medical mystery about a butt than his curmudgeonly ass?

Waiters of the world, take note!

When Justin Timberlake comes into your restaurant, take your lunch break:

(He) chalked up a $150 bill, which the restaurant graciously gave to Timberlake on the house. However the US pop star forgot one important thing — to tip. Despite all his wealth and hailing from the land of the 20 per cent gratuity, he didn’t put his hand in his pocket at all.

But he isn’t the only one according to Katherine Taylor, waitress to the stars, who made a list of bad tippers and checked it twice:

“Gwyneth Paltrow came in. I wanted to tell her that I had been making a list and she was on it, but Gwyneth was not stingy, only stupid. I thought she probably couldn’t calculate 15%…Rupert Everett, Parker Posey, Madonna, no tip…Tobey Maguire… Barbra Streisand, Kelly Preston.  Almost no tips at all,” she tells.

The reason for bad celebrity tips is simple.

They suck at math and fear literally tipping away their riches. 

Sure, Justin Timberlake can sing songs someone else writes and produces for him.  On stage, he has choreographers and dance coaches.  In a restaurant, when the bill comes, he’s all alone.  

Folks in the service industry shouldn’t suffer.  They should automatically add the tip to the bill before giving it to JT for two reasons: It can save him embarrassment and their ability to pay the rent!

I think I finally figured the whole Vanessa Hudgens flirtation with porno thing out.

For the uninitiated, Vanessa Hudgens stars in High School Musical as the love interest of Zac Efron.  Off-screen, they’re supposed to be a couple as well. 

The problem is, many people believe Zac is gay and his ‘relationship’ with Vanessa is an attempt to not only create the appearance that he’s straight, but to add to the allure of the High School Musical franchise. 

But why the need for nude photos?

Without the nude photos, one could call the relationship a “friendship”.  After all, they’re nice kids trying to have fun!

With the photos, Vanessa Hudgens looks like a slut.  And if Zac Efron is dating a slut, he HAS TO BE screwing her, whether he wants to or not. 

They sacrificed Vanessa’s reputation to preserve a myth about Zac Efron’s heterosexuality. As a peace offering to Vanessa, they went so far as to have Vanessa Williams, who also had a nude photo scandal,  come out of the woodwork to try and salvage Vanessa Hudgens’ post nude photo career.  But it was too late.  Disney already fired her stripping ass.

The sad thing is, what did Vanessa get out of it other than reducing her fee from an exclusive “first time nude” Playboy shoot or movie role?

Think about it.

Would Halle Berry been able to ask for 250K extra per boob in Swordfish if she gave it away for free?

I think not.

Let’s hope Vanessa Hudgens got her fair share for ruining her nudie market value.

If not, it’s a damn shame.