Refried Screens

Since Kim Kardashian posed for Playboy, her photos confirmed what some have believed all along: She has butt implants. 

The tell-tale sign?  An indentation you can see in a photo here (NSFW).  For many, the photo has solved a mystery.  For me, the mystery has just begun:

I want to know who dented Kim Kardashian’s butt implant?

The list of known suspects:

Ray J…

Nick Cannon…

Reggie Bush…

Sounds like a job for the Bloodhound Gang:

The problem?  The Bloodhound Gang may solve mysteries, but they solve clean, wholesome mysteries.  Plus the Puerto Rican dude is dead.

I guess we’re stuck with House.  Who better to solve a medical mystery about a butt than his curmudgeonly ass?

Waiters of the world, take note!

When Justin Timberlake comes into your restaurant, take your lunch break:

(He) chalked up a $150 bill, which the restaurant graciously gave to Timberlake on the house. However the US pop star forgot one important thing — to tip. Despite all his wealth and hailing from the land of the 20 per cent gratuity, he didn’t put his hand in his pocket at all.

But he isn’t the only one according to Katherine Taylor, waitress to the stars, who made a list of bad tippers and checked it twice:

“Gwyneth Paltrow came in. I wanted to tell her that I had been making a list and she was on it, but Gwyneth was not stingy, only stupid. I thought she probably couldn’t calculate 15%…Rupert Everett, Parker Posey, Madonna, no tip…Tobey Maguire… Barbra Streisand, Kelly Preston.  Almost no tips at all,” she tells.

The reason for bad celebrity tips is simple.

They suck at math and fear literally tipping away their riches. 

Sure, Justin Timberlake can sing songs someone else writes and produces for him.  On stage, he has choreographers and dance coaches.  In a restaurant, when the bill comes, he’s all alone.  

Folks in the service industry shouldn’t suffer.  They should automatically add the tip to the bill before giving it to JT for two reasons: It can save him embarrassment and their ability to pay the rent!

I think I finally figured the whole Vanessa Hudgens flirtation with porno thing out.

For the uninitiated, Vanessa Hudgens stars in High School Musical as the love interest of Zac Efron.  Off-screen, they’re supposed to be a couple as well. 

The problem is, many people believe Zac is gay and his ‘relationship’ with Vanessa is an attempt to not only create the appearance that he’s straight, but to add to the allure of the High School Musical franchise. 

But why the need for nude photos?

Without the nude photos, one could call the relationship a “friendship”.  After all, they’re nice kids trying to have fun!

With the photos, Vanessa Hudgens looks like a slut.  And if Zac Efron is dating a slut, he HAS TO BE screwing her, whether he wants to or not. 

They sacrificed Vanessa’s reputation to preserve a myth about Zac Efron’s heterosexuality. As a peace offering to Vanessa, they went so far as to have Vanessa Williams, who also had a nude photo scandal,  come out of the woodwork to try and salvage Vanessa Hudgens’ post nude photo career.  But it was too late.  Disney already fired her stripping ass.

The sad thing is, what did Vanessa get out of it other than reducing her fee from an exclusive “first time nude” Playboy shoot or movie role?

Think about it.

Would Halle Berry been able to ask for 250K extra per boob in Swordfish if she gave it away for free?

I think not.

Let’s hope Vanessa Hudgens got her fair share for ruining her nudie market value.

If not, it’s a damn shame.

Photography can be dangerous. Just ask Halle Berry. 

On the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, she wanted to show that she wasn’t just a pretty face.   So she brought photos…and anti-Semitism:

She introduced the first photo by saying, ‘Here’s where I look like my Jewish cousin!’ - it was a picture of her with a huge, distorted nose.  No one laughed, and Jay nervously said, ‘I’m glad you said that and not me’. When the show aired, they cut out her ‘Jewish’ comment and added a laugh track to the bit…NBC covered her a**. “

You’d think that a woman who has gone under the knife because of her own nose issues would nose…I mean, know better than that. 

Unfortunately, she can’t blame her pregnancy on this one…unless she’s carrying Hitler’s baby.

Speaking of DNA, I wonder what they did to Halle’s discarded old nose scraps?  Whoever has them now could get loads of cash on Ebay!

Halloween is a time of year when you’re supposed to look scary.  And if you naturally look scary, all the better!

Cate Blanchett is from the U.K. and I’d think she’d know the dilly about Halloween.  But she has it backwards.  She looked ghastly in May…

And looks fab in October…

You might think she’s fighting being typecast after playing Bob Dylan:

But that’s not it.
Cate Blanchett trick or treats several times a year, so it really sucks being her neighbor.
“Mom, it’s Cate Blanchett…AGAIN!”
“Tell that greedy bitch we’re out of candy!”
I blame Lord of the Rings. She hasn’t been the same since…

Marc Anthony and J. Lo have to be the most annoying, disingenuous couple covered by the media.

She’s pregnant as hell, but won’t admit it.

I understand she’s fearful of jinxing the pregnancy by acknowledging her spermination.  But I’d think being pregnant and doing dance routines on a conveyor belt, while wearing high heels is a lot more dangerous that stating the bloody obvious! 

Instead of the truth, we get coy, dismissive responses.

And Marc Anthony is acting like having a child with a woman he’s married to means something special:

But as Anthony and Lopez keep everyone guessing, one thing is certain: Anthony only has eyes for his wife. Standing at one end of the stage during their last song together, Anthony gazed at Lopez and said, “She’s just fine.”

Tell that to his ex-wife, Miss Universe Dayanara Torres,  and mother of his two kids who he CHEATED on…with J. Lo of all people.

I guess two liars make a great couple.

Britney Spears’ kids shouldn’t worry about being the only celebrity kids doomed to a life of therapy.  In a few years, they’ll have company.

Britney Spears was visiting a doctors office to get her lips done:

She loved her new set of Jolies, and wanted to repay the doctor.  Giving him a tip would be tacky, and we all know that Britney Spears prides herself on not being tacky, so she decided to hook him up by giving him a new patient:

Here’s another angle.

Britney sure knows how to give to the medical community.  First by offering her kids, and now the paparazzi.  She should get an award or something. 

And don’t get me started on how much the psychiatric community loves her referrals.  It takes three generations to overcome bad parenting.  That’s a lot of visits to the shrink, not to mention electroshock therapy. 

After Sketchers signed High School Musical’s Vanessa Hudgens to a lucrative contract less than a month after her nude photos popped up on the Internet, it turns out Disney has made up its mind about what to do next and that the 18-year-old actress will not be asked to board the boat for the third HSM film.

Parents can take a sigh of relief.

They can tell their daughters that taking it off for Drake Bell has repercussions after all.

I’m not quite sure what this says about Sketchers.  After all, their last poster child was Ashlee Simpson.

Not the endearing Ashlee Simpson with the big nose who lived under her sister’s shadow.

But the bargain basement rate Ashlee Simpson who fans rejected after she tried to spin her nose job as emo cutting on a larger scale, instead of trying to sell out her angsty grrl ‘punk’ image.  Or have you forgotten already?   

With Vanessa Hudgens and Ashlee Simpson as spokesgirls, it makes you wonder what Sketchers has planned for the youth of America.  In fact, it reminds me of an old South Park episode where another franchise was based on a celebrity of questionable moral fiber…

It took Janet Jackson’s career three years and Tyler Perry’s critic-proof film Why Did I Get Married to recover from her infamous wardrobe malfunction.

Vanessa Hudgens took off her clothes a couple of months ago, and what did she get? 

High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens has signed up to front the advertising campaign for Sketchers trainers. The 18-year-old Disney actress will replace singer Ashlee Simpson as the face of the brand in a $1 million deal.

“Accidental” porn now pays.  Just ask Kim Kardashian who got a show based on her naked faux pas.

Is this progress?  Or is it ageism? In other words, if Janet Jackson flashed a younger nipple, would it have meant bigger opportunities?  Or did she just pave the way for a younger generation of sluts without reaping the financial rewards of her trailblazing sluttiness?

The true loser in all of this is broke ass Lindsay Lohan:

Despite only just checking out of her third stint in rehab, Linsday Lohan is returning to work almost immediately amid reports that she has blown a $7million fortune on drugs and alcohol. Lindsay is said to be so broke that she can’t afford her own place, and according to a source she has been forced to move in with a friend. 

If Kim and Paris got a show, imagine what Lindsay Lohan could have received if she had picked the right vice? 

I blame her momager. 

She gave her daughter/client outdated seventies rockstar advice instead of 21st century pornstar advice.  Who knows if poor Lindsay’s career will ever recover…

With all of the bizarre happenings affecting Beyonce this year, I once believed she was a victim of a curse against Destiny’s Child. 

Unlike Britney,  the spirits that bedevil Beyonce do not assume the form of liquid,  powder, or “to-go”.

Recently  Beyonce suffered yet another indignity while promoting her new Samsung “B” phone.  Previously I would have suggested it was a Voodoo curse which vaporized her bra and made her shirt see thru.

Now I know better.

It wasn’t a Voodoo curse.

It was the devil.

She sold her immortal soul for fame, and now he’s back to collect.

In installments.

By being a 21st Century Faust, countless barely literate little girls can learn through Beyonce a very important morality lesson.