Refried Screens

Turns out 24 will have two back to back episodes, including a Christmas special…from the county jail:

Emmy award-winning actor Kiefer Sutherland is set to serve 48 days in jail for drink-driving - including spending Christmas behind bars- but will do his time during a break in his work schedule…He is also banned from driving for six months and must attend alcohol education classes for 18 months as well as weekly therapy sessions for six months.

Does this mean Jack Bauer won’t be in any car chase scenes this season? That would really blow.

Britney Spears knows what the public wants to see:

An absolute trainwreck.

And she sacrifices what little pride she has left to give it to us.

Britney’s recent faux pas isn’t about her VMA disaster.

It’s about a wardrobe malfunction and McDonalds grease stains.

That’s right.

Grease stains, dude.

Check for yourself right here.

Since she lost custody of her kids, not only can you be amused without guilt, you run a 75% less chance of going to hell for laughing.

The U.K.’s 2nd favorite drug addict, singer Pete Doherty, has forsaken Heroin Fit Club and is now sporting poundage.  And I don’t mean money:

His weight gain is a sign that he’s off smack, which is a good sign for some. 

For me, it raises concern.

What is he eating?  And where is his crack smoking cat? 

Doherty might have abandoned the kitty, since the new “straight edge” Pete can’t afford to be around bad influences. 

But that’s not like Pete Doherty. 

My guess is he had a mad case of munchies, and faced with an empty fridge and relapsing, he had the best of both worlds and ate his crack addled kitten.

If eating the worm in a bottle of tequila causes an intense psychedelic reaction, who knows what effect will result from devouring a cat with crack flowing through it’s kitty veins!

Let’s hope for the sake of kittens everywhere, that it does absolutely nothing.  Otherwise, pet owners will really have to fear Pete Doherty.  

Britney Spears losing custody of her kids is a win-win for everybody.

Britney gets paparazzi attention all to herself.

The kids have more material for their tell all book and movie when they come of age.

And Kevin Federline, just like Darth Vader, has hope for redemption through his children.

He can’t do it himself.  After all, he couldn’t even give himself a rap career. 

But if he plays his cards right, maybe he can convince Justin Timberlake to take the kids under his wing, like Obi Wan Kenobi, and teach the truly successful way of exploiting black culture.  

The Federline-Spears brood can finally realize their daddy’s wiggerific ambition by unifying the trailer park with the ghetto, just like the other greats:

Marshall Mathers AKA Eminem…

Rob Van Winkle AKA Vanilla Ice…

And Elvis AKA…Elvis

The greatest risk to the kids success? Federline’s own desperation.

But as long as he doesn’t pimp them out for a playdate with Michael Jackson, they should do just fine.

Celebrities should think twice before signing up for ad campaigns if the don’t want the curse of living the slogan.

Case in point, Bollywood actress and BBC Big Brother winner Shilpa Shetty.

In 2006, she signed up for PETA’s ad campaign entitled “Beaten, Lonely and Abused!”.  Since that time, she’s been burned in effigy, had arrest orders against her, subjected to racist attacks on the BBC, and recently interrogated by the police:

Her spokesman, Dale Bhagwagar, said: “She called me in the middle of the night and was in tears.” Shetty said: “I can understand something like this if I’d committed a criminal offence. But what was my offence, when I’m just an actor, going to perform a musical on foreign land.”

Shilpa Shetty is a Twilight Zone-like victim, bound in an endless cycle of being “Beaten, Lonely and Abused” just like her numerous PETA ads:

Angelina Jolie was aware of the Celebrity Ad curse, which is why she had voodoo spells of protection tattooed on her back:

In the movie Single White Female, Jennifer Jason Leigh moves in with Bridget Fonda and jacks her style and her boyfriend.

This weekend, Kate Moss and Sienna Miller reenacted the movie over Notting Hill’s Rhys Ifans at a wedding:

“Kate had a go at Sienna and accused her of stealing her style. She was ranting on about how Sienna was now trying to steal her lifestyle and her friends too.”

The fight was broken up by Sadie Frost, which is ironic considering Sienna Miller broke up Sadie Frost and Jude Law’s marriage.

The wedding catfight was probably a sad attempt at creating buzz for a 21st Century version of Single White Female starring Moss, Miller, Frost, and Ifans.

I’m sure the movie will be remade, but not with that cast.  Producers need to make some money off their film properties.  And Sienna Miller means box office death.

After all, why bother paying $10 to see a bad actress when we can read about her bad behavior for free?

In honor of Janet Jackson’s FCC flap being back in court, we’ve witnessed a slew of wardrobe malfunctions. 

Just in the past two days, we’ve had a wardrobe malfunction and a sex tape controversy.

Not to be outdone by Mexican Oscar De La Hoya and American Meg White, Tricia Helfer AKA Number Six of Battlestar Galactica fame wants to make sure Canada isn’t left out.  You can find it here.

Now that the NAFTA countries are accounted for, who in the world will be next?

Smart money suggests NATO.

After all, if porn is the solution for the Middle East, maybe the wardrobe malfunction will put an end to greenhouse gas emissions…or something…

According to the Daily Mail, Britney Spears engaged in behavior so horrific, she made her 6′7″ bodyguard Tony Barretto cry.  Although the bad parenting in the article is nothing new, Britney’s charitable side is a welcome surprise.

Instead of giving cash bonuses to her staff, she ‘rewarded’ them by walking around butt-naked and giving them the honor of fetching drugs and alcohol for her…without sharing. 

Not surprisingly, the staff didn’t appreciate the behavior. 

But that’s not all they didn’t appreciate:

One night at a club she came up and started dancing with me. My back was to her, and she rubbed her front and breasts against my butt and ran her hands down my back. ‘My partner radioed me, “She wants to dance. You dance.” When I turned around she turned and put her butt on me, bumping and grinding. I wasn’t aroused. I was embarrassed.’

If Britney Spears couldn’t get her bodyguard excited in the flesh, she didn’t stand a chance at exciting viewers during the VMA Awards.

Then again, maybe Britney was too high to realize she was getting all belly and not dongage from the bodyguard.  Even so, it was an oversight not befitting a season pro like Britney Spears.

Lindsay Lohan ingeniously used a wardrobe malfunction to pull attention away from her inflamed, reddened nostrils. Barely 21 and she covers up her vices like a pro. If she could have only done the same to prevent the DUI and box-office bombs, she would be ruling the world right now. Take a look here (NSFW) and see for yourself.

Every couple of years, some poor underage girl becomes the obsession of the media and perverts just because she’s jailbait. 

It happened to the Olsen Twins, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan.

The problem faced by the young women is what to do once they become legal.

The answer?

Go psycho.

Unfortunately, that’s just what happened with jailbait flavor of the month, Heroes’ Hayden Panettiere. 

Her psychosis, spurred by fulfilling cosplay cheerleader fetishes, has resulted in her threatening to kill some poor magazine employee:

(I)t was the unbreakable Hayden Panettiere who threatened to “kill” a staffer from Us Weekly over something she wrote about her in a recent issue. (Sources have since confirmed that it was this item that had HP’s barely legal panties in a bunch.) Just when it looked like Hayden was about to pull a Sylar on said reporter’s skull, her quick-thinking publicist grabbed her and scolded, “Not on the red carpet.” It was a classic Hollywood moment — and one I predict will be streaming all over the Internet by week’s end.

Whether Hayden is the next Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan is moot.

Hollywood is already grooming her replacement since Hayden Panettiere is now, after all, legal.