Refried Screens

When Jamie-Lynn Spears got pregnant, folks wondered where they could find good, wholesome entertainment for their kids.

Parents thinking comic book heroes were the answer should think again.

Forget about Captain America. Not only did he die, he came back to life, stuffed his trunks with a burrito, hid a joint in his boot, groped a woman and punched her boyfriend. Don’t believe me? See it for yourself here.

Wonder Woman killed a dude by snapping his neck.

Now Spider-Man done lost his damn mind!

Aunt May got shot, so he made a deal with the devil to save her.

Not for love, but to live rent free and eat her wheatcakes! See for yourself here.

What did the devil want in return? To break up Spidey’s marriage to MJ.

Don’t feel bad for Spider-Man, because in the next issue, he gets some!

In times like these, Pee-Wee Herman don’t seem so bad, now do he?

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Captain America is making another comeback.  No, not a burrito in his pants comeback.  But a comeback comeback.  And this time, he’s packing heat:

“The idea that Captain America would have an offensive weapon like a gun…if it’s an upset feeling, we want it to be so. We want it to feel like, ‘Oh, he’s got a gun now. Captain America with a gun?!’ You know, it should stick in your mind that that’s something. This is not your father’s Captain America, so to speak. It’s a more brutish interpretation, at this point, for the modern age.”

And what a scary modern age it is.

The 21st Century pop tart is a child services nightmare, Bob Barker gets replaced by a shoe salesman, and now Captain America AKA ‘Cap’ can bust a ‘cap’ in that ass?

If Marvel thought having a shield and no weapon made him a punk bitch, why not upgrade to a sword like safe, family friendly, sword-wielding heroes like Voltron, He-Man and Lion-O?

This generation is SO screwed!

Back in April, Captain America was assassinated.

He emerged from his death to place a burrito in his pants, smoke a joint, and grope a public citizen after beating up her boyfriend. He was arrested and disgraced. Did I miss anything?

He could have blamed zombification or the forces of evil, but good ol’ Cap, being a true hero, apologized. And what did he get for it?

A good old fashioned pink slip:

“We felt that he would benefit from a fresh start elsewhere and we felt that it was important for us to maintain our outstanding reputation in the community” (AP)

If Chewbacca can molest a woman in June and still pitch products for Sony in July, where’s the justice for Captain America?

This post is intended to assist those coping with the end of the Harry Potter series. You can find the intro to the series HERE. Part 1 is here, Part 2 is here, Part 3 is here, and Part 4 is here.

Acceptance is the final stage of grief. If you are at this stage, congratulations!
It was a long journey. You have overcome denial, expressed your anger, given up the baragaining, and are out of depression. You have accepted that J.K. Rowling isn’t out to hurt anyone. Harry Potter is her baby and she was a howling, devastated mess after finishing the book. Should we get mad at her for turning her back on the millions of fans who have invested years of their lives in a world that she is ending on her own whim?

Of course not.

Rowling, like Galactus, the Devourer of Worlds, is doing what she feels she has to do.

For those unfamiliar with Galactus, he is a cosmic entity who can only live by feeding off the energy of living planets, much like Rowling, who made her fortune by feeding off the hard earned money of Harry Potter fans.

After Galactus finishes sucking all of the energy from a planet, he leaves behind a lifeless husk. And Harry Potter fans can relate to that, on the eve of the annihilation known as “P Day”.

Like Galactus terminating a planet, ending the Harry Potter series is Rowling’s prerogative. At this stage, fans should follow the example set by the book industry, facing losses in the millions because of Harry’s end, and stay upbeat.
Unlike Galactus, Rowling gave us some really good times and memories over the years: When Hermie slapped Malfoy. Harry freed Dobby. And who can forget when Harry was under the invisibility cloak, unable to help Dumbledore when Snape…

…oops…

….uh, let’s just go to the Inspirational Video For Potter Fans At This Stage:

No matter how anyone feels about the end of the Harry Potter series, they should treat J.K. Rowling with respect and accept her decision. After all, if fans get too crazy, she might destroy Harry Potter’s legacy just to teach them a lesson.
So if you’re feeling weak, remember three words which will make you move on:
Jar Jar Binks.

Sometimes, there’s an actor, well, he’s THE actor for a specific role. The actor does his job so well, he’s typecast, thus making it impossible for him to find work playing other characters.

For Adam West, it was Batman.
For William Shatner, it was Captain Kirk.
For Jeff Bridges in was as The Dude, or His Dudeness, or Duder, or El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.Some actors try to fight typecasting by choosing opposite roles.

Harry Potter’s Daniel Radcliffe tried to fight typecasting by playing a getting buck naked in Equus.
Chuck Norris embraced typecasting, but then again Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Jeff Bridges has had moderate success in acquiring other roles, but to me and millions of The Big Lebowski fans, Jeff Bridges is The Dude.

Period.

Then I saw a promo shot for the upcoming Iron Man movie and was bewildered…
The Dude is bald, man…

Not only that, the character he plays, Obadiah Stane, is so un-Dude.

So much, in fact, Jeff Bridges deserves an Oscar if he can pull off the Obadiah Stane role in Iron Man.

To help the Academy realize how much acting acumen is required to make a transformation from “The Dude” to Obadiah Stane, I’ve compiled a list of “How Un-Dude Obadiah Stane Is”:

1. For fun, Stane engages in psychological manipulation and hostile corporate takeovers.
For fun, The Dude bowls, drives around, and has the occasional acid flashback.

2. In a childhood chess match against another boy whose skill at least equalled his own, Stane killed the boy’s dog so that his mind wasn’t on the game. He won easily and continued to use similar forms of manipulation through his life.

In complete contrast, The Dude did not abide when his friend Walter threatened competitors in bowling league game with a gun. To The Dude, it was ‘just a game, man.”

3. Stane manipulated Iron Man so much, he not only took over his company, he made Iron Man a bum.

The Dude could relate to Iron Man, since The Dude has been accused of being a bum.

4. Stane went so far as to threaten a Iron Man’s pregnant ladyfriend.

The Dude would not abide by that. After all, he helps his ladyfriends conceive.

5. If The Dude saw that Iron Man’s best friend was black, he’d admire him for racially, being pretty cool. Stane, on the other hand, would probably try to lynch him.

There you have it. Five major distinctions between The Dude and Obadiah Stane. If Jeff Bridges can pull off the transformation and make Big Lebowski fans see anything but the Dude, give him the Oscar.

I don’t know about you, but I would take comfort in that.

DC Comics has reinterpreted our favorite Communist instrument of terror, Egg Fu, for the 21st Century. They gave him a shave and a language coach.

Old Fu:New Fu:
After checking out the changes, I realized Egg Fu’s true calling:

A featured ingredient on a reality cooking show.

On Top Chef, they’d probably make him into ‘egg yolk and sea urchin roe with vermicelli’.

On Hell’s Kitchen, they’d probably under cook poor Egg Fu and Chef Ramsay would have no choice but to throw him out, cursing all the way.

On Iron Chef, Chairman Kaga would challenge the contestants to break the shell which normally confines their thinking.

I don’t think any of the Egg Fu dishes would go over well with the judges. I hear he has a weird aftertaste, which is why you can’t get racial stereotype eggs at your local grocer.

When Captain America died, rumors of his replacement ran rampant.

Some people thought it would be The Punisher.

Old Punisher…

Captain Americafied Punisher…

But they’re wrong.

Others thought it would be Cap’s former sidekick Bucky Barnes.

Here’s the original recipe Bucky alongside Cap:

And this is the extra crispy Bucky in his new persona, The Winter Soldier:

But they’re wrong, too.

Captain America’s replacement has surfaced. And he don’t need no stinkin’ new costume…

Colin Powell, where the heck have you been?

We found out that you’ve been conversating with Barack Obama and now you tell Newsweek you want people to back off Angelina Jolie:

“She’s absolutely serious, absolutely informed…She doesn’t need this. This needed her.“

Just like the way kids around the world need Angelina Jolie to come in their country and adopt the hell out of them, America…no…THE WORLD needs Colin Powell to come back into the spotlight and pick up good ol’ Cap’s mantle.

And for that, I salute him.

Colin Powell, your shield awaits. You just have to wrest it from the sinister clutches of Stephen Colbert…

If you like this story, check out this one here about Barack Obama’s secret nemesis.

According to the AP, scenes of Chow Yun-Fat in Pirates of the Caribbean have been slashed in half by censors in China for “vilifying and defacing” the Chinese. The depiction of a scarred, bald pirate with Lee press-on nails, is believed to be consistent with Hollywood’s old tradition of demonizing the Chinese.

This should be a wake up call to the producers of the upcoming Wonder Woman movie who are trying to figure out which villain from her past should be featured in the film.

No matter how much they might be tempted, one thing rings true…

Avoid Egg Fu at all costs!

I know the idea of a ginormous Communist egg created by Chinese sleeper agents to take down America and Wonder Woman seems like money in the bank, but please be reasonable.

Reuters reports that Poland’s conservative government picked up the Jerry Falwell baton in an attempt to curb what it sees as homosexual propaganda via Tinky Winky and the Teletubbies.

For those who forgot, Falwell issued an alert in 1999 over Tinky Winky’s homosexual ways. In particular, his color (purple) and triangle shaped antenna. Both features, Falwell believed, were homosexual codes transmitted to impressionable Christian children.

I always thought the antenna was a silent protest against the Pro-Life movement, since it looks like an upside down coat-hanger.

Falwell’s color hysteria made sense, since he was a segregationist. Poland, on the other hand, is more progressive. They just care about Tinky Winky’s purse:

“At first I thought the purse would be a burden for this Teletubby … Later I learned that this may have a homosexual undertone.”

The article notes that Polish Education Minister Roman Giertych has proposed laws sacking teachers who promote “homosexual lifestyle” and banning “homo-agitation”.

What is ‘homo-agitation’? If anything, I thought the Teletubbies were homo-relaxation.

And what’s the big deal with a purse?

Felix the Cat had one, and no one called him gay.

Is it because of reverse racism?

Turns out that Ewa Sowinska, Poland’s government-appointed children rights watchdog, is seeking psychological assistance, not for her paranoia, but in helping to save the minds of young children.

This isn’t the first time a shrink was called to protect kids from evil. In 1954, Dr. Frederic Wertham made a quick buck by suggesting that comic books were responsible for juvenile delinquency. His book Seduction of the Innocent postulated that Batman and Robin was a homosexual fantasy.

Yeah, right…

Militancy. The new Black.

First, mild mannered Cat Stevens, writer of songs like ‘Moonshadow’ and “Peace Train’ became Yusuf Islam and called for Salman Rushdie’s head:

Then, peaceful curmudgeon Bert dropped Ernie to hang with Osama and become poster child against the West:

Now Mickey gets militant and hosts a Hamas kiddie show:

The show is broadcast throughout the Gaza Strip on Hamas’ Al-Aqsa TV station, telling children to strive for “world leadership under Islamic leadership.” They sing songs with lyrics like “We will destroy the chair of the despots, so they will taste the flame of death.”

Captain America gets killed and now the world has gone to hell.

Was it worth it, Marvel Comics?

Now is the time for Obama to put aside his differences and protect his Cousin Pookie from becoming yet another victim of militancy’s hard, yet alluring embrace.