Refried Screens

For the past three weeks, Hollywood lost they mind:

Take a moment to appreciate the specialness of this Monday morning, where Shia LaBeouf is currently the biggest movie star in America.

He’s one of the fastest-rising stars in Hollywood, and if you needed any more proof that Shia LaBeouf’s time is now, look no further than his top-five box-office openings.

LaBeouf’s movie ‘Disturbia’ grossed $52.1 million in 17 days. It was also announced that he’ll star in the next Indiana Jones.

Hollywood went crazy for their new star.

Shia LaBeouf, destroyer of Bruce Willis.
Shia LaBeouf, conqueror of Quentin Tarantino.
Shia LaBeouf, buggerer of Will Ferrell.

Then, along came a spider.

Spider-Man 3 made more in one day than alleged Box Office honcho Shia LeBouf made in 3 weeks. Like Chris Rock said, there are a lot of great actors, but few real stars.

Shia LaBeouf, star?

Spider-Man is a star. Too busy thinking about the ladies to care about Shia LaBeouf.

You could see this coming a mile away. Youngins playing with the Big Boys. It’s like folks wondering if USC could beat the Raiders when they couldn’t even beat Vince Young.

It’s like they wanted to set Shia up for failure. He had a #1 movie against weak competition. Kudos for him. But he went up against a true beast…and got whupped.

Let’s hope he doesn’t try something drastic, like trying to get buzz by getting bitten by a spider. Some kid in Oregon had two spiders nesting in his ear, and all he got was rice crispies sounds and an article…with no photo.

Since Sony Pictures has announced at least another three Spider-Man flicks, maybe Shia will be able to do some damage when Spider-Man 6 rolls around?

Perhaps if Tobey Maguire stays true to his word and Spider-Man 3 is last appearance, Shia has a chance.

He could play Spider-Man. Then he’d have his revenge…

It had to happen.

Every major do-gooder has a nemisis.

Shazam has Black Adam.

Grey’s Anatomy has Isaiah Washington.

Now we’ve learned that Barack Obama has Cousin Pookie.

No one knows what Pookie looks like. My assumption is he must be modeled after Pookie from New Jack City.

The question on a lot of people’s minds is, ‘why does it have to be a brotha?’ And if he has to be a brotha, why not make him a “magic negro” like J.C. from the Green Mile?

David Ehrenstein believes it’s because Obama is the magic negro himself, but I don’t believe it. If a “magic negro” exists, it’s Will Smith, because only magic can make a piece of crap like ‘Getting Jiggy With It’ a #1 song and a dud like ‘I, Robot’ a hit movie.

But I digress…

Having an “evil Negro” was successfully employed by George Bush in the 1988 election and Bill Clinton coined the phrase Sister Souljah moment by using a black rapper as his nemesis.

Even Santa Claus has an evil Negro (Zwarte ‘Black’ Piet) to further his political agenda.

At times like these, if you can’t trust Santa, who can you trust?

We need a true hero.

An icon above all icons.

Superman.

Surely he is immune to having an evil negro. He had Lex Luthor. Bald whiteboy. Why can’t Obama be like Superman?

Wait a minute. Who’s that guy underneath Lex Luthor?

That’s right.

It’s Bizarro, Supeman’s exact opposite, who was backwards and did everything wrong.

Bizarro spoke in ebonics…

Bizarro, like Undercover Brother, had a weakness for “Black Man’s Kryptonite” AKA the “White She-Devil”…

Bizarro isn’t really white after all.

He’s just lightskinded.

I guess Obama is more like Superman than I thought…——-

So, now that Obama has his Cousin Pookie, what are the other candidates going to do? Is everyone going to pick an “evil negro” or will other ethnicities be empoyed? Who are your top candidates for Hilary, Rudy, McCain or Edwards nemesis?

Someone finally pulled a John Hinckley analysis, AKA “Blame the Movie/Book/Videogame for creating the psycho“, on Cho Seung-Hui for the Virginia Tech massacre. The movie of choice, for today at least, is Oldboy.

Look at the photo: Cho has a hammer and so does Dae-Su Oh, the protagonist of Oldboy. Cho was violent and so was Dae-Su.

Forget the fact that Cho used 9mm and .22-caliber pistols, not a hammer.

Forget the fact that Oldboy took place in Korea and Dae-Su fought to defend himself from thugs who kidnapped him and a criminal mastermind who tricked him into committing incest.

Yes, you read that right: Dae-Su slept with his daughter. At the end of the movie, once he finds out, he cuts out his tongue.

Forget that Dae-Su doesn’t commit suicide. He, like George Michael suggested, Chooses Life. Unlike George Michael, Dae-Su decides to continue his monogamous relationship with his daughter. Unlike Dae-Su, Cho was childless and kept his tongue intact. Unlike Dae-Sue’s mop-top hairstyle, Cho shaved his head.

What is the parallel between Dae-Su and Cho? Oh yeah, I forgot.

He took a photo with a hammer.

Since Cho was an English major, wouldn’t it make more sense to blame John Henry?

Maybe Cho took a Norse Myths class. We can blame Thor…

Sorry, he probably read comics, so I got the wrong Thor…

Nope, throw all that out the window. It’s Oldboy to blame.

If out of touch critics want to blame something. Why not blame a videogame? That’s the “hip” thing to do these days. Don’t worry, if you’re not up on videogames. I’ll give you a character who, like Cho, has a hammer…and even better yet…he’s Asian!:

That’s right. The Hammer Brother from Super Mario.