Refried Screens

Last week, we learned that model Vida Guerra was accosted by a cop trying to score nude photos of her in exchange for taking away her parking ticket.

Today, this story broke:

A star-struck Indian policeman has been suspended for behaving inappropriately after he hugged a top Bollywood actor who was released from jail on bail, an official said on Monday. Eight other constables who shook hands with actor Sanjay Dutt when he emerged from a jail in western India last week have also been asked to explain why they should not be punished. (Reuters via Yahoo)

On the surface, it would seem to be India’s way of thumbing its nose at unprofessional U.S. police behavior.

But it isn’t.

It’s a message sent to Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin that India doesn’t tolerate any sissy stuff like taking your shirt off.

Remember the sage words of commentator Kiros, who fully appreciated the impact of Putin and French President Nicolas Sarkozy shirtlessness:

Clearly, these infidels have angered “The Shirts”, reigniting a centuries-old geopolitical struggle easily recognized by anyone who’s set foot on a basketball court. Anticipate this to escalate into “heavy checking”.

Think really carefully before you accept a friendly game of pick-up hoops from strangers with accents.

Xenu is on the warpath against Tom Cruise.

First, he sabotaged Tom’s Valkyrie movie.

Then he rallied the injured extras to sue.

Now he wants to bring back the gay rumors in a subtle, non-litigious manner, by suggesting that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes sleep in separate rooms:

“It’s a situation that works for both of them. Of course they spend time together alone at night like most married couples - after all, they conceived Suri! In fact, they even joke about having separate bedrooms to their friends - Katie says Tom snores, and this way she can get her beauty sleep!”

Xenu wants you to believe that the noises coming from his room is anything but snoring:

“Its not Tom’s snoring that is a problem for katie… its his loud gay sex!” (Hollywood Rag)

But if you believe that, you let Xenu win.

Eleven extras have been injured after falling off a truck on the German set of Tom Cruise’s latest movie, Valkyrie. (BBC)

Some might think it was simply an accident.

The conspiracy minded would beg to differ.

The “accident” could be the result of Nazis pissed about an anti-Nazi movie.

It could be German government sabotage since it banned the film back in June because, for some strange reason, it hates Scientology.  In July, it reversed position and granted funds to the film. But the bitterness could still remain.

But the real mastermind behind the ‘accident’ is Xenu, dictator of the Galactic Confederacy and Scientology’s version of the devil.

He pledged revenge against Scientology in Daily Variety through his disciples Trey Parker and Matt Stone, who just happen to be the creators of South Park:

“So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for Earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!”

If Xenu can commit mass alien murder and grant Trey Parker and Matt Stone fame and millions, surely he can sabotage a Tom Cruise movie and get away with it!

When Ving Rhames’ dogs were accused of killing his caretaker, sites like Perez Hilton, TMZ, and US Magazine, revered for their celebrity journalistic integrity, jumped on the bandwagon because of the Michael Vick dogfighting hype.

What’s this? Doggie owner racial profiling?

Subconsciously, they probably thought Ving Rhames was involved in the dogfighting as well. After all, he’s black and has dogs, just like Michael Vick. They forgot that Ving Rhames is a Golden Globes winner.

And, unlike Michael Vick, he has a soul.

He cried for Jack Lemmon, two times, fer Pete’s sake!

But Refried Screens did not believe the hype:

If the collar don’t fit, you must acquit!–Refried Screens, August 4th, 2007

The dogs were in no position to defend themselves and putting them to sleep without due process would be unconscionable.

Fortunately, the truth was finally revealed:

A man who died at the home of action star Ving Rhames most likely did not die from bites from Rhames’ dogs, county coroner’s officials said Friday.

In wake of all of the unfair blame, Ving Rhames and his dogs deserve a Jesse Jackson apology…

Last month I wrote about Brooklyn drug dealers trying to take advantage of Harry Potter fans by creating ecstasy pills bearing Harry Potter’s logo.  Apparently, Harry Potter wasn’t the only franchise affected:

Have they no shame?

And you thought Gargamel wanted to turn Smurfs into gold…

Unfortunately, Weekly World News is closing shop. 

In honor of the paper’s fantastic journalistic work for breaking monumental stories that mainstream media avoided, Refried Screens presents a gallery of the Greatest Weekly World News Covers along with contextual explanations:

Unfortunately, the aliens weren’t down with Kerry.  Rumor has it, they were supporting Romney, until Oprah stepped in:

Now they’re behind Obama.

But the Weekly World news wasn’t all about politics.  They had human interest stories too.

First, this story hit…

And it inspired Bigfoot to lose weight:

Eventually, we learned the dirty secret behind Bigfoot’s diet:

Then there was this story:

The intelligence community was stumped, until WNN found out the reason behind Saddam’s sex change:

It was to win Osama’s heart. But tragedy struck, as they were unable to have kids.  Adopting a normal baby was out of the question.   Agencies “claimed” it was because of  “both parents being on the most wanted list”, “gassing of the Kurds”, and “9/11″, but it really boiled down to discomfort with same sex adoption.  So Osama and Saddam did the next best thing:

This was the kid they wanted:

But the combined forces of the CIA and Interpol stopped the plot in the nick of time.  The baby tried the to part the Hudson river, but unfortunately, the baby wasn’t on high ground.

Dick Cheney didn’t take kindly to this story breaking, so he took extreme measures to get revenge:

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What is your favorite cover?  And did they miss any stories?

Historians are puzzled over news that Adolf Hitler’s favorite music records came from Russian and Jewish performers.

If  the conspiracy theories are true, and Hitler is chilling in Argentina, does he own all of the Seinfeld DVDs?

Is he addicted to Russian porn? 

And how does he feel about Matisyahu?

A tragedy occurred Friday, when Ving Rhames’ caretaker was found dead.  Folks immediately pointed the finger at Ving Rhames’ dogs.  All of a sudden, photos of Ving and his pets popped up everywhere. 

It’s enough for most people, but I don’t believe it.

For centuries, black men have been accused of crimes they didn’t commit.

Now ‘the man’ is going after the black man’s pets!

Was doggie DNA found on the caretaker?  Where are the witnesses?  Did someone find a bloody collar?

If the collar don’t fit, you must acquit!

——–

Who do you think set up Ving Rhames dogs and why? 

The NY Post broke a story that an NBA ref was fixing basketball games. It doesn’t surprise me, since I heard it before from a guy who believed all sports were fixed. He never got over Villanova beating Georgetown, The Chicago Bulls dynasty, or the Bad News Bears. For a while, I could see his point, but I moved on.

Now that the fix has been confirmed, fans are seeing it everywhere:

The fix is something that can make you crazy, like the humans on Battlestar Galactica who believe everyone is a cylon agent (robots posing as humans). Soon, you’ll be seeing the fix everywhere, and it will ruin sports for some, much like these guys who ruined Harry Potter for everyone.

And it’s going to get worse.

A co-worker from Singapore would always talk about fixes in soccer matches. Whenever a player performed poorly, the crowd would scream: “FIX!”, forcing the embarrassed coach to pull the player from the game. Immediately afterwards, the player would hold a press conference and talk about their strong beliefs in family and religion.

I don’t know about you, but if U.S. athletes had to consistently defend themselves from the fix, I’d TIVO post-game press conferences in a heartbeat.

After reading ESPN’s fix article, I was amazed at how easy it would be to fix a game:

ESPN.com: Given your expertise in watching and wagering on games, what influence does a referee or official have in the gambling outcome?

BL: If he has action on the game and wants something in particular to happen, I’d say 75 percent. I’ve been asked for years if games could be fixed. And I always told people not by players. Because the guys in the key positions who could get something done, your quarterbacks and running backs, are making millions and aren’t going to risk it all to help some friend make $100,000. An official, though, could do it.

I’ve actually seen a couple of fixed fights in the world of MMA. Japanese fighter Nobuhiko Takada’s matches were fixed.

Because he was bringing in so much money as a Japanese fighting stud in a Japanese market, Pride FC company executives didn’t wan’t to run any risk of him losing. As a matter of fact, his fixed fights were better to watch than his real ones, where he’d spend the entire time in a defensive position, scared to get knocked out. Don’t believe me? Watch the Mark Coleman v. Takada fixed fight and then the Mirko CroCop v. Takada real fight and holla back.

When current UFC Champ Quinton Jackson fought for Pride FC, some folks wanted his black ass to throw a fight against Japanese star Kazushi Sakuraba. Jackson refused and Sakuraba beat him legit.

And I cried.

This runs in sharp contrast to the UFC, which doesn’t fix fights in a continued attempt to gain legitimacy. After all, it hasn’t been long since folks considered it human cockfighting, which I could never understand, since I’ve never seen a penis in a UFC bout…thank goodness!

As far as I’m concerned, I could care less if all sports were fixed. Movies are fake, but so what? They destroy documentary movies. Consistently. I’ll take a good zombie flick over Red Hot Ballroom in a red hot minute.

If the fix happened to be on, we’d never know for one simple fact:

People choke.

And you can’t tell the difference between a guy having a bad day versus a player who is on the fix. And even if we did, this guy here pretty much sums it up for me:

I hear you, man. Fixed sports are still real to me, too!

Some dude claims that he hacked a digital copy of author J.K. Rowling’s seventh and final book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. He posts the spoilers here.

The reason?

“By following the precious words of the great Pope Benedict XVI when he still was Cardinal Josepth Ratzinger. He explained why Harry Potter bring the youngs of our earth to Neo Paganism faith. So we make this spoiler to make reading of the upcoming book useless and boring.”

I remember the good old days. People who wanted to protest would picket movie theaters or simply burn books. Nobody got hurt and, hey, it made for a good show. But now, the protest has gone online…

And it’s scary. Scary boring.

I don’t think it’s the Pope who is behind this…it’s Universal Pictures.

Why?

What better way to guarantee the #1 box office slot for Evan Almighty than making Christians feel guilty about watching non-Christian entertainment like early Oscar contender Fantastic Four:Rise of the Silver Surfer or a masterpiece like John Cusak’s 1408, which coincidentally opens the same day as Bruce Almighty and features the supernatural?

Defamer cites a LA Times story revealing the efforts of the studio to court Christians for the movie.

There is one person who can stop this madness…

Paris Hilton, I call on you and your new found faith to come forth from prison and strike down these abominations! It’s your calling! Didn’t I tell you she had a purpose? Read here if you plumb forgot.