Refried Screens

Last Thursday, numerous strands pointing to an American Idol conspiracy were pieced together on this very site. Jordin Sparks’ victory and the surprise canning of favorite Melinda Doolittle was alleged to be the work of careful planning in an attempt to maximize ratings. Whether or not you believe the conspiracy is moot: Jordin Sparks is the American Idol. She has a great voice and would never lie to win the competition.

That’s what we thought…

…until this morning!

MSNBC reports that Jordin Sparks had a vocal coach. What’s the big deal?

That may come as a surprise to Sparks’ fans because on her official bio on the “Idol” Web site, when asked if she ever had formal training, Sparks answered, “No.”

Melissa Black, who was Jordin’s coach for nine months, felt ‘hurt’ by not being acknowledged and having her work ignored.

People believed that Jordin was this vocal ingenue as opposed to the wily veteran Melissa Doolittle. This belief was furthered by the “I’m only 17″ mantra that Jordin, the judges, and even Ryan Seacrest recited.

This affected voting.

Would Melissa Black, removed from American Idol history to further a secretly held conspiracy, burn with hatred as an unwitting pawn to Jordin Sparks’ orchestrated march to victory?

“I’ve moved on, and I hold my head up high.”

If only I could move on.

But when I remember the golden voice of Melinda Doolittle, and remember the odds she’s overcome, only to have victory taken away from her because of some producer’s notion that an American Idol should have a prominent neck, I just can’t. I just can’t…
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What do think of the “oversight”? Who do you identify with: Melinda, Jordin, or Melissa?

People magazine adds another link to the Jordin Sparks conspiracy AKA Melinda Doolittle wuz jerked via Blake Lewis:

Many Idol watchers – including the judges – say that Lewis’ fate was sealed by the final song, “This is My Now,” an emotional ballad that clearly suited Sparks’ powerful voice over beat-boxer Blake. Lewis agrees. “‘This is My Now” is definitely not my style, a song I would never sing if I didn’t have to,” he says. “It fit [Jordin] like perfectly. And I honestly think they should have had two songs that were tailored to both of us, but I’m so happy with being second place.”

Also, Lisa DeMoraes “pretty girl vs goofy guy” summation is granted greater credence from Blake as well:

“I love being goofy”

The American Idol Producers loved it too, Blake.

And as far as being a sell-out?

Asked which previous American Idol has a career that he would like to emulate, “None of them,” says Lewis. “I want to set my own path.”

Didn’t I tell you he was a rebel? Rock on, Blake Lewis.

For decades, codebreakers scoured newspapers to decipher vast international conspiracies. With the advent of the Internet, it is possible to deconstruct massive media conspiracies by surfing the web.

Case in point?

Jordin Sparks was picked, packaged, and presented as the American Idol months before we knew she existed.

Don’t believe me? Follow me on a journey which will have your head spinning and heart pumping. You will understand that Howard Stern was correct: Jordin Sparks’ victory is a mass manipulation on a conspiratorial level unmatched since Jethro Tull won the heavy metal Grammy over Metallica.

(First, check yesterday’s story on Howard Stern’s theory, if you haven’t already.)

One would think Howard was batty. That is, until one visited Tabloid Baby’s article on Newsgasm revealing photos showing Jordin with Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson three years ago, even though they pretended not to know her when she auditioned.

Throughout the season, Jordin’s mantra was “I’m Just 17 years old!”, which as Lisa De Moraes notes, was what ‘the show’s three judges reminded viewers at every possible moment in the four-month-long competition.’

It’s a marketing ploy which paid off, as every story covering American Idol mentions Jordin’s age, and how she’s the youngest idol EVER!

The marketing was burrowed in our brains by her duet with Blake Lewis covering The Beatles’ “I Saw Her Standing There” which starts out with “She was just 17, you know what I mean…“

Blake Lewis, forever the rebel, wanted to spite the competition once he discovered the conspiracy:

After the show, Lewis told reporters backstage that he had pegged Sparks as the next “American Idol” weeks ago. “I feel great,” he said. “I was trying to wear a ‘Vote For Jordin Sparks’ T-shirt last night but they wouldn’t let me.”

Who are the ‘they‘ who wouldn’t let Blake support Jordin? And how could ‘they‘ convince Blake to prove his allegiance to ‘them‘? Did ‘they‘ get to him? This isn’t any mere mortal we’re talking about. It’s Blake Frickin’ Lewis, who will beatbox his Jamiroquai all over your non-311 loving hindpots!

Perhaps ‘they‘ were the puppetmasters pulling the strings on other Idol contestants in a story covered by TMZ:

“A.I.” castoffs Antonella Barba, Haley Scarnato and Gina Glocksen are pretty clear as to who their pick to win “Idol” is… and it’s not Blake Lewis. The three rejects have spent the last week asking all of their fans to vote for Jordin Sparks. The girls have posted bulletins non stop on each of their MySpace pages, urging readers to make Jordin the next “American Idol” winner.

Creepy enough for you?

There’s even more…

A YouTuber believes that ‘they‘ manipulated footage to boost Jordin’s likelihood of winning and the video of Jordin’s disappearing tears.

Evidence provided by Votefortheworst.com suggest the conspiracy of ‘them‘ to increase Jordin’s margin of victory was strengthened through the pro-life movement and Jordin’s prominent anti-abortion stance, including appearing at anti-abortion rallies and having photos on her myspace account, courting the Christian Right.

What is the master plan?

There are three theories:

The first involves Capitalism:

‘They‘ are American Idol producers who get money from exploiting Jordan Sparks. Jordin Sparks is young and cute. Tweens like her, and Tweens have more purchasing power than anyone else on the planet. And ‘they‘ want to get Tweens money;

The second involves Politics:

‘They‘ want to condition Americans to vote for Barack Obama as president, envisioned by Katherine Meizel:

I’ve been fantasizing about how the Season 6 lack-of-the-South upset might relate to the newly real potential of Barack Obama’s presidential candidacy. Like our Top 2, he’s not Southern; like Jordin, his family background is multiracial; and I think that if he were an American Idol contestant, he would probably wear sweater vests. Maybe the rise of Blake and Jordin is connected to the recent barometric shift in our political climate, away from the status quo and toward something, like Blake’s beatboxing, more “contemporary.” Or maybe it’s just a singing competition after all.

(I have to note my continued befuddlement over the “beatboxing is contemporary” crap? Doug E. Fresh, the “original human beat box” (not to be confused with the Fat Boys Human Beat Box) performed “The Show” last night. Which was a hit…back in 1985!);

The third involves Religion:

‘They‘ believe that America, no, the world, needs a Christian Idol after Bert, Cat Stevens, and Mickey Mouse converted to Islam.

And that Idol?

Jordin Sparks.

Whoever ‘they‘ are, ‘they‘ must be distraught since American Idol season finale ratings are down 19% from last year.

That’s right, Taylor Hicks got higher ratings than Jordin.

‘They‘ should have rigged the show to make the finals Sanjaya versus Melinda.

Oh, I fergot. According to Stern, that’s what it would’ve been if ‘they‘ didn’t tinker with the results in the first place.

See what happens when you try to play God, ‘they‘ who run American Idol?