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If you’re an infamous international leader and you need protection, who do you call?

How about thirty killer virgins?  It works for Muammar Gaddafi:

His personal unit of female guards clad in camouflage uniforms, who will protect him around the clock, are trained killers.

Forget about tracking down renegade Russian nuclear scientists, the CIA needs to keep tabs on Gaddaffi guards who lose their virginity!

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A while back, photos of Oscar de la Hoya in drag popped up all over these here Internets.  Mario Lopez defended his buddy by suggesting photoshop.  Then the stripper in the photo claimed that they were real and magnificent.

It was a stalemate.  Oscar won one bout and the stripper won the rematch.

In the world of boxing, we’d have a third and conclusive bout called the rubber match.

Apparently, the stripper is a fan of boxing, and has returned to settle the score:

“The stunning Siberian-born stripper who sold widely circulated pictures of boxer Oscar de la Hoya strutting his stuff in drag will file a $100 million lawsuit today against the “Golden Boy” charging him with unleashing a smear campaign against her to stop the photos from emerging, The Post has learned.

Smoking-hot Milana Dravnel, 22, will file the papers this morning in Manhattan state Supreme Court against de la Hoya and two unnamed defendants for alleged fraud, defamation, interference with contract, infliction of emotional distress and undue influence, her lawyer said.”

Just what we need after watching the season finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm and learning that the WGA strike means less Prison Break and Heroes.

STRIPPERGATE!

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When the cheerleader on Heroes was given the power to heal from any injury, a lot of viewers rolled their eyes. 

“What does she need that for?  Falling off the top of the pyramid? Too many backflips? Team trains?”

Unfortunately for cheerleaders, danger lurks behind every banner:

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As a fan of both fashion and the martial arts, I’ve always wondered…

Which style is better? Shaolin Monk or Fashion Model?

Fortunately, we now have an answer:

HA HA HA!  Model style is no match for the power of Shaolin!

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A number of professions have commitments which require sacrificing things that other people enjoy. 

Animal rights activists disavow fur. Politicians forego privacy. Priests give up sex…with adult women.

No one talks about the plight of the comedian.

Take Ellen Degeneres.  She’s funny and always begins her show with a dance party.  When she started yesterday’s episode looking depressed and while talking about her doggie problems, people weren’t sure what to make of it:

Some folks thought it was the set up for a joke:

Call me insensitive, but am I the only person in America who wasn’t moved by Ellen DeGeneres’s on-air breakdown over her hairdresser’s dog?…As the surreal situation unfolded, I kept waiting for the punchline — but it soon became clear that there wasn’t one.

That is the true price for being a clown.  Ask Michael Richards when he was on Letterman.

And there’s nothing comedians can do about it.

As soon as a Comedian Serious Broadcast System (AKA ‘CSBS’) is implemented to let the audience know the comedian is not joking, the CSBS will probably cause more laughs than the deadpan delivery of bad news.

And even if the CSBS works, it would only be a matter of time before other comedians eviscerate whatever serious value it once had…like Britney Spears. 

As a result, no one will ever take a comedian seriously again.

Tears of a clown indeed…

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No matter what anyone tells you, the hottest Halloween costume this year isn’t Anna Rexia…

The best costume this Halloween is none other than the Martian G:

Martian G keeps it real.  Not only does he show love for his hood, Area 51 AKA A-51, he pimps his ride with his flying saucer chain around his neck.  He understands exactly where he’s from in addition to where he’s at.

In other words, he’s everything Homeboys In Outer Space wasn’t.

And the “Homeboys” better watch they step, unless want Martian G to bust an anal probe up in they ass.  Although something tells me they wouldn’t be adverse to it…

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As a kid, I loved Mr. Potato Head.  There were so many things you could do with him.  Want to give him a mustache?  You got it.  Want to make him a transsexual?  That’s cool too! 

Not only was Mr. Potato Head a pioneering toy for gender bending, he also was a Star Wars fan…

After Darth Tater, I thought I had seen it all.

Until this morning:

Customs officers discovered nearly 10.5 ounces of ecstasy tablets hidden inside a Mr. Potato Head toy sent to Australia from Ireland, the agency said Thursday. Upon opening the parcel, the officers were greeted with the smiling face of the popular children’s toy, which features a potato-like head and removable facial features. But when they removed a panel from the back of the toy, the officers found 10.34 ounces of ecstasy in a plastic bag.

As I child I had many adventures with Mr. Potato Head.  I’ve envisioned him in many forms with many jobs.  Yet, I never imagined him as a drug mule.  But with competition from video games and television, it’s been tougher for Mr. Potato Head to pay his bills.

I just hope he doesn’t lose custody of his kids, like Britney Spears did.

One tater being uprooted is bad enough. 

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When Michael Vick used a fake water bottle to hide his weed, not many people were surprised.  After all, drug couriers are an industrious sort, and we’ve seen Traffic, where Catherine Zeta-Jones’ hubby turned smack into toys. 

But we haven’t seen how people hide sex toys.

Thanks to a weirdo in Berlin, our questions have finally been answered:

Staff at a German butcher’s shop were shocked to discover a customer had hidden two sex toys in their “Schwartenmagen” sausages for transport to Dubai, police said on Wednesday.  Officers discovered the man, who was about 50, had removed some of the meat and packed the dildos inside.

And you thought Kinder Eggs were the only treats with hidden goodies inside!

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The world is abuzz over O.J. Simpson’s alleged armed robbery.  Some think it’s a manifestation of O.J.’s guilt, since he got away with one crime and subconsciously, he wants to be punished. 

After all, he licensed his image in a videogame with a mascot for his team “Assassins” that celebrates touchdowns with slashing motions. He also wrote a semi-confession called “If I Did It”.  Neither of which got him jailed.

But if you think O.J.’s guilt is motivating him, you just don’t understand the man.

O.J. Simpson committed the armed robbery because he wants more money.

The Goldmans took his videogame and book rights/money, thwarting his original plan of jumpstarting his acting career by playing himself in the movie adaptation of “If I Did It”. 

The reason why O.J. planned the armed robbery was a flawed attempt to create buzz over his real life Ocean’s 11 caper.

After the arrest, he can write a book about it and star in the movie adaptation.

His lawyers weren’t able to keep previous projects away from the Brown and Goldman families, but this time they’re ready!

Since Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman had nothing to do with the bungled burglary, his lawyers will argue that they don’t deserve a cut of the money.

O.J. will probably have to cough up the loot anyway.  Which leads to the question of  “why did he do this” since it’s doomed to fail?

And the answer is simple.

He’s O.J., dummy, not Johnnie Cochran!

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For some strange reason, Rihanna and Condi Rice have been targeted this weekend as closeted lesbians.

The Gist dropped this nugget from The Confidante: Condoleezza Rice and the Creation of the Bush Legacy by Glen Kessler involving her best female friend Randy Bean:

According to newly revealed information in the book (which Kessler found through real estate records), the two women, Rice and Bean (yes, hilarious), own a home together and have a line of credit together.

Rice and Bean? Sounds like a wrestling tag team.

And they look like one as well!

Since when should two single women sharing credit and home suggest anything other than a good friendship?

We’re supposed to believe that Rihanna holding hands with a manly looking woman makes her a lesbian:

But that’s just silly talk, since Rihanna has been linked to Jay-Z, Shia LaBeouf, and most recently Justin Timberlake.

Next thing you know, they’ll suggest Rihanna’s rumored bedhopping is a stunt to appease homophobes who buy records.

And that’s just plain silly…

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