Refried Screens

For some strange reason, Rihanna and Condi Rice have been targeted this weekend as closeted lesbians.

The Gist dropped this nugget from The Confidante: Condoleezza Rice and the Creation of the Bush Legacy by Glen Kessler involving her best female friend Randy Bean:

According to newly revealed information in the book (which Kessler found through real estate records), the two women, Rice and Bean (yes, hilarious), own a home together and have a line of credit together.

Rice and Bean? Sounds like a wrestling tag team.

And they look like one as well!

Since when should two single women sharing credit and home suggest anything other than a good friendship?

We’re supposed to believe that Rihanna holding hands with a manly looking woman makes her a lesbian:

But that’s just silly talk, since Rihanna has been linked to Jay-Z, Shia LaBeouf, and most recently Justin Timberlake.

Next thing you know, they’ll suggest Rihanna’s rumored bedhopping is a stunt to appease homophobes who buy records.

And that’s just plain silly…

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

Demi Moore is upset.

She’s spent over 450K on plastic surgery and STILL can’t get roles in Hollywood.

She could learn a lot from Sonya Thomas.

Hollywood should have made a movie about her world record breaking eating habits. 

But it didn’t and Sonya Thomas could care less.

In her world, it doesn’t matter what Hollywood thinks. She’s gonna get her grub on regardless!

Hollywood be DAMNED!

A friend of mine is infatuated with skinny girls who can chow down.  So much so, watching his rail thin girlfriend eat broke his heart:

We had pizza the other night. She only got through three slices. And the damn thing was thin crust. I was really, really disappointed.

When I first read this story about the buffalo wing eating champion, he was the first person I thought about:

The 105-pound competitive eater who goes by “The Black Widow” bested a dozen beefy rivals Saturday night, scarfing 173 wings in 12 minutes to win the wing-eating contest at the National Buffalo Wing Festival.

Her name is Sonya Thomas. 

The fact that there hasn’t been a movie adaptation of Sonya’s trailblazing life proves what Drew Barrymore has complained about for years:

Hollywood doesn’t like to see women eat.

The dreaded mythical beast known as Chupacabra, which is Spanish for “goat sucker”, has plagued Puerto Rico and Mexico for generations.  Also known as ‘Chupi’, it has apparently been found and killed in Texas:

But what folks are calling a chupacabra is probably just a strange breed of dog, said veterinarian Travis Schaar of the Main Street Animal Hospital in nearby Victoria.  “I’m not going to tell you that’s not a chupacabra. I just think in my opinion a chupacabra is a dog,” said Schaar. The “chupacabras” could have all been part of a mutated litter of dogs, or they may be a new kind of mutt, he said.

Here’s what the Texas “chupacabra” looks like:

But that ain’t no stinkin’ Chupacabra!

Everybody knows Chupi looks like this:

In fact, Chupi, if you’re reading this post, shoot me an email and I’ll hook you up with legal assistance to restore honor and fear to your besmirched name and reputation!

After months of speculation, a probe into the massacre at Virginia Tech was released and the Hammer Brothers and OldBoy were not named as culpable parties. We also learned that VA Tech mass murderer Seung Hui Cho, like Hitler, was a frustrated artist, not a psychopathic gamer or film buff.

Whether or not the danger posed by frustrated artists will result in rallies to ban art schools or creative writing programs remains to be seen.

When I was a kid, there were bumper stickers on the back of vans that served as a public service announcement:

It was intended as a warning from people who wanted to be left alone while doing the nasty in their van.

And then this morning, I read this:

Foot-tapping, the odd Morse code of anonymous bathroom sex, is “a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct,” wrote airport police Sgt. Dave Karsnia. But there are many more ways to communicate desire in this sexual subculture, say legal and behavioral experts as well as law enforcement officials. Consider eye contact and the three-second rule. The lingering at the urinal. And any bathroom will do, be it in an airport, a department store, a mall or a highway rest stop.

I had no idea.

Senator Larry Craig was arrested and stripped of his senatorial duties as a result of his tapping. Tucker Carlson was so upset over the prospect of being buggered after not knowing the signal, he engaged in gay bashing.

I wonder how many guys didn’t know their toilet stall tap dance was a gay mating call?

To avoid further miscues, we need a new slogan to alert heterosexual men about foot tapping in the john.

How about “Don’t Be Dancing, If You Don’t Want Romancing” or “Tap Your Feet If You Want Man Meat”?

They’re catchy and get the point across. I’m sure there are better examples that marketers can come up with.

And I hope they don’t wait too long.

Some poor homophobe’s kidney is on the verge of bursting because he’s avoiding public restrooms…and the buggery which awaits him.

Hottentot Venus was a rage in Europe.

France was so caught up, it took years for Nelson Mandela to get her remains back.

Years after Venus, hoop skirts gave the illusion of bigger buttocks.

It would be a century until Arnold Schwarzenegger would reintroduce booty to the Western world as a Brazillian goodwill booty ambassador, before selling out to his flat assed Hollywood masters. 

 Years later, Jennifer Lopez brought booty to the masses in a crossover move that captured the “hearts” of America.

The booty challenged longed for the day they too could have a J.Lo posterior. 

Silicone implants were possible, but fears of leakage outweighed the desire of augmentation.

Then, a breakthrough occurred.  The use of fat grafting to increase booty size.  The procedure became so successful, the number of buttock augmentation surgeries increased 158 percent between 2000 and 2004, according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons.

All of a sudden, we saw an explosion of booty:

Unfortunately for one implant patient, the explosion was unfortunate:

“(O)ne of the surgeons started saying, ‘Well, if she wants J.Lo’s butt, let’s give it to her.’ And they pumped more air into the implants. Then another one said, ‘Come on, that’s nothing, let’s go for it.’ And they just kept pushing the limit until it all just exploded.“

Instead of a J.Lo butt, she suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns to both cheeks.  And to add insult to injury:

Because of tissue loss her behind is even smaller and flatter than before the surgery. “I’m flat as a board,” says Jones-Davies. “No one’s going to sign a fashion model who looks like an 80-year-old man from the back.

Because of the pressure to have bigger booty, we are doomed to make the Simpsons Aliens prophecy come true.

We’ll make bigger and bigger booty, and soon, we will make a booty so big, it will destroy us all.

Malaysia’s getting a lot of bad press for being party poopers by thwarting celebrities who love wardrobe malfunctions and skin baring outfits.

But that’s the government speaking, not Malaysian kids. They like doing dangerous, dumbass things, just like everyone else.

Case in point, Minah Rempit, which involves crazy motocycle tricks.

It’s all the rage.

Even babies are doing it!

Like everything else, it can be too much of a good thing. Motorists don’t like it and the cops don’t know how to stop it.

In fact, people are so confounded by Minah Rempit, they’re considering practicing black magic:

Some may fear for the physical safety of the bikers, but not me. I fear for the inevitable Evel Knievel lawsuit. He doesn’t take kindly to anyone doing motorcycle tricks.

Bruises heal, but lawsuits are forever. Just ask Kanye West!

According to an article in Variety, an Israeli pornography website is a hit in Syria, Saudi Arabia, Iran and Iraq, even though the Israeli net domain .il is blocked from some of these countries:

“Arab people usually see female Israeli soldiers in a bad situation, so there’s a lot of curiosity to see what Israeli girls look like without any uniforms,” says pornsite operator Shahar. “We don’t make regular porn films. Our films parody the situation in Israel, so we look at issues like the elections here and Mossad. There is a lot of relevance to the Arab-Israeli situation.”

I don’t think folks should get their hopes up too high.  After years of interracial porn in the U.S., racism still blights our great country.  

Don’t tell that to Dongzilla or Mr. Marcus. 

They’re too busy doing their part to fight racism. 

One, two, or three women at a time.

We all know O.J. Simpson’s broke ass needs money. That’s why he’s in All-Pro Football 2K8. The knife-wielding mascot for his team, The Assassins, celebrates O.J.’s touchdowns with a slashing motion.

See it yourself:

When his former in-laws didn’t stop the game, I thought it was because they liked the graphics.

But for Ronald Goldman’s daddy, it was all about O.J.’s royalty money.

Now he wants a bigger slice of the action:

“A literary agent for the family of stabbing victim Ronald Goldman has made a deal to repackage and publish O.J. Simpson’s canceled “If I Did It” book about the slayings of Goldman and Simpson’s ex-wife…The family and publisher have pledged to leave Simpson’s manuscript entirely intact, but they will also add key commentary” (MSNBC)

I’m sure that they didn’t give their blessing to the book simply because they’re getting paid. It’s all about…

Who am I fooling? Of course it’s about the money. Why else would you allow the sale of a book written by your son’s murderer about why he ‘probably’ did it?

What’s next? A book tour with surprise appearances by O.J. to pump up book sales, a movie adaptation starring Cuba Gooding Jr., and the inevitable Wrestlemania cage match between Ron Goldman and O.J.?