Refried Screens

Lindsay Lohan thought it was a bright idea to take her clothes off in an “arty” “homage” to Marilyn Monroe (NSFW).   

Although Marilyn Monroe was 15 years older and on the verge of death, she still looked hotter and less cracked out than Lindsay.

Take a look for yourself here.

Lindsay would’ve been better off doing Playboy, where she could’ve at least received a decent payday.

She is broke after all.

Then again, maybe Hef didn’t offer her as much as he did for Kim Kardashian.  Thinking about it more, maybe Kim Kardashian did it for free, thus spoiling Hef. 

Hef probably could’ve sealed the deal by throwing in some crack rocks.  You’d think Larry Flynt would learn from Hef’s mistake, but Hustler is too highbrow for Lindsay, with Larry Flynt devoting his days chasing down politician dirt and all.

While you might think it’s a bad day for America when you have to go to New York Magazine for your celebrity porn, at least the purchase is less embarrassing than buying a nudie book.

Oh, who am I kidding!  Of course it isn’t less embarrassing than buying a nudie book!

Boyfriends taking advantage of their famous girlfriends is nothing new. Just ask Johanna Cardona, Noelia, or Vanessa Hudgens.

In fact, it’s safe to say that the reason celebritarts should avoid average joes is the fact that if they tell their friends they hooked up with (insert celebrity here), they need evidence. Look at poor Vivica Fox.

To make matters worse, there’s a guaran-damn-teed payday coming the way of the average joe. Don’t believe me? Then how do you explain Adnan Ghalib?

Unfortunately, this is the only area where celebrity women have an advantage over your local hottie. Nevertheless, I stand by my earlier post.

That is, of course, unless your local hottie speaks in a fake British accent. Then it’s a wash.

Once again, Vanessa Hudgens finds herself in a modern morality fable.  Not just because more photos of the High School Musical actress have surfaced, but she got dissed by alleged photo recipient Drake Bell. 

She sends two guys her personal photos and both play dumb, acting like they never saw them?

This is more like high school than High School Musical can ever hope for!

If you thought the Facebook porn scam was bad, wait until you get a load of what the New York Times has to say about Craigslist:

“Craigslist has become the high-tech 42nd Street, where much of the solicitation takes place now,” said Richard McGuire, Nassau’s assistant chief of detectives. “Technology has worked its way into every profession, including the oldest.”

This comes as no surprise to anyone using Craigslist.

They have an Adult Services section for crying out loud! Besides, the angry old man already warned unwitting young dudes about the perils of Craigslist:

There is not a cadre of beautiful women advertising on Craigslist to have NSA sex with you. Beautiful women don’t need to advertise. The websites that advertise with attractive women’s photos and claims of loneliness are baloney. All they want is your money and your personal information so that they can market to you. The posts on Craigslist by young “women” seeking NSA sex, and asking for a picture are just a bunch of gay troll pic collectors.

Maybe Senator Larry Craig was one of the gay troll pic collectors.

The only people I feel sorry for? Folks who don’t know drug dealers abuse Craigslist to sell cocaine under code words like “snow” or “skiing”.

Kinda makes you feel bummed for the guy who realizes he ain’t buying skis. Or the guy who finds out he actually is!

When I was a kid,  Officer Friendly would regularly visit our class and warn us about evil lurking around every corner.  One scam I’ll never forget involved predators who needed help “finding their lost puppy”.

Twenty years later, the scam is on the Internet. 

Instead of a pervert, it’s a camera.  And it’s not looking for a puppy.

It’s looking for a hot, scantily clad woman:

Thousands of Good Samaritans were trying to do the right thing by visiting the website to help…at a rate of one every five seconds:

But the object of their fascination turns out to be Wendy, a model who poses for X-rated pictures online. The porn site has admitted that it was all a “clever viral marketing campaign”.  (Daily Mail U.K.)

Evil strikes again!

Officer Friendly, we need your help now, more than ever!

If you want to know where Sarah Harding was inspired to get the boot from Girls Aloud by scandalous photos, look no further than Jessica Biel.

Jessica Biel wanted out of her contract with the 7th Heaven show because she believed her role prevented her from getting the lead role in American Beauty. She posed for topless for Gear magazine hoping the controversy would get her kicked off the show in addition to breaking her innocent persona.

It seems to have worked, but came with a price.

She regrets her racy photo shoot which made her a sex symbol. Years later, we realize her true regret:

She took the photos BEFORE she got butt implants.

Sarah Harding, eldest member of  British group ‘Girls Aloud’, had a  wardrobe malfunction that you might believe was a mistake, since she’s a buxom lass who wears tight clothes.  

But if you peel back the bra strap and look into her mind, you might think twice about whether it was an intentional wardrobe malfunction.

Girls Aloud is a pop sensation in the U.K.  A fact that seems troubling to her.

In 2004, she considered quitting the band because the pressures of work were too much.

“We just seem to work, work, work and nothing else.  I know people do tough jobs for far less rewards but we work crazy hours - from early morning until late at night, seven days a week. It’s far from glamorous. The past couple of years have been exciting and rewarding - but also the worst of my life too.”

In 2006, rumors that Harding was tired of the band and quitting to go solo, prompted the singer to post a message on the group’s official website stating she “would be insane to even consider leaving”.

There are times when people want to quit their jobs, but don’t have the gumption to do so for a variety of reasons like money, the fear of giving up a sure thing, or binding contracts resulting in massive litigations if they dare go solo. 

Instead of taking the risk, they self destruct. 

Perhaps Sarah Harding’s wardrobe malfunction is just a cry for help. 

And if it is, someone needs to stop her before she does something really stupid.

Like have a wardrobe malfunction in Malaysia!

Hollywood has always had a special place in its heart for Latinas as bombshell sex symbols.

It doesn’t matter if they’re passing for Anglo like Rita Hayworth, Raquel Welch or Wonder Woman, out of the ethnic closet like Salma Hayek and J. Lo, or even if a self-hating Latina like Jessica Alba.

But it’s just not Hollywood. The Internet has birthed a new breed of Latina celebrity like Noelia,  Johanna Cardona, and now Wanda Nara.

The difference?

They’re all buttafaces.

Buttafaces with sex tape controversies.

Judge for yourself:

Wanda Nara, Sex Tape Fame:

Salma Hayek, No Sex Tape Fame:

Noelia, Sex Tape Fame:

Ugly Betty, No Sex Tape fame…yet:

Latina celebrity has found a harmonic balance. One no longer needs copious amounts of plastic surgery or win the genetic lottery to acheive fame. Sure, a cellphone camera and acts illegal in 34 states may not get one to Hollywood, but it sure as hell can guarantee a #1 slot on Technorati.

Whether or not Al Gore had this in mind when he invented the Internet remains to be seen.

Readers who want to know what’s been going on with Puerto Rican singer Noelia have a lot of catching up to do!

If you recall, her sex video was leaked.

She followed up by having an “accidental” wardrobe malfunction on television.

Most people faced with the same misfortune would find the nearest rock and crawl under it.

But Noelia isn’t most people.

She wanted to “own” the humiliation and not get “pwned” by it, so she did what every decent singer would do.

A Maxim shoot:

I guess she realized the error of her ways, because she followed up by crying on Cristina about how horrible the experience has been for her.

Why can’t she make up her mind?

Her mami has the answer:

“She is bipolar, in addition to having other conditions which I will not disclose, but the problem is that she does not take her medications.” (translated by Lossip)

Who knew not taking your meds would result in career success?

If it can work for Bai Ling, I guess it can work for anybody!

Paul Sculfor had to learn the hard way while dating Jenifer Aniston that regular dudes and celebrities don’t mix:

“He said she made him happy but he was having to keep under the radar.  One minute he’s living a normal life and the next he’s over every magazine and television channel in America. He realized the pressure of fame - it’s something you want until you actually get it.”

We all know that you have no shot at ever getting with Jenifer Aniston, but who cares?

Before you get caught up with another overrated star disingenuously whining about how she wants an average guy, keep in mind a number of reasons why average dudes should be content with their local hotties instead of getting caught up in celebrity bachelorette hype:

-Hugh Grant preferred a $5 hooker to Liz Hurley. 

Just think, if you had $5, you could’ve gotten with the same hooker too!  That is the beauty of America. 

-Jude Law preferred his chunky nanny to Sienna Miller.  Did you take a look at the nanny?

Like a diamond hidden in a soiled, smelly dishrag, behind that plain wrapper is a woman who Jude Law was begging to see.  But you don’t have to beg.  You can see loads of women like that at your local pub.

-Eric Benet and David Justice preferred local girls to Halle Berry.

That’s right.  Halle Berry, dude. 

The whole flyover country label is a ruse perpetuated by famous cheaters to trick their girlfriends.

It’s also used by landlords in NY and LA to  justify high rent.

Like Halle Berry, tenants fall for it, every time.

-Harry Potter prefers groupies to celebutants:

“I think it would be very hard to go out with an actress, because they’re mad.  Some actresses are just insane. I’ve never worked with a nasty actress - they’re all absolutely delightful. But completely barking.”

Some people think this is code for Hermie doesn’t think my wand is “magical” enough, but I’ll leave that to Mr. Ed.

The point is, all of these guys had access to the finest women in the world, yet they still preferred ’round the way girls. 

So put down that copy of Maxim.  Ignore the flattering airbrushing, lighting, and makeup jobs.   Your local ladies don’t have publicists or other PR folks promoting how hot they allegedly are. 

Chances are they’re real and magnificent.