Refried Screens

Ladies, what’s the worst break-up you can remember?  How about a guy who tries to blackmail you to stay, with a sex video the two of you made, before he lost his damn mind? 

That never happen to you?

Well it did to Colombian TV host Johanna Cardona.  Her ex, Oscar Crespo, recorded them doing the nasty on his cell phone and “leaked” the video on-line.

He claims it was an accident.  He “forgot” to erase the video after selling his phone.

Now we’ve all gotten rid of phones we’ve used.  I could understand leaving some phone numbers on it.  But forgetting a private sex video with a famous television personality? 

If Oscar didn’t get a good markup on the sale price of the phone, I hope his dumb ass doesn’t expect a give back. 

Kiss goodbye your dating life, Crespo, now that everyone knows you’re the kind of brotha that’ll tape you, threaten you with the tape if you leave, and give it up for free after the break-up. 

It’s just not cool.  Pam and Tommy got some $$$ for their leakage.  Kim Kardashian got enough dough to buy butt implants, making her the rage of Hollywood.  But poor Johanna got nothing but a blog entry from a guy she don’t even know.

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Who do you believe? Oscar or Johanna? And have you heard of a worse break-up than that?

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As I’ve noted before, there is a need for Modern Morality Fables. And what is a fable without monsters?

Perseus had Medusa.

Odysseus had the sirens.

Single black women have white women.

In the 21st Century, we have our own creature which appears in the form of a woman with a crimson mane, speckled skin, and flaring nostrils prone to snort white powder.

Our creature tends to frequent areas where young men abide: the beach, nightclubs, stripclubs. It endlessly wanders the Earth in search of attention. Unsuspecting males might spy it dancing or sunbathing. It might appear in a traffic accident or two. Such encounters could be dangerous, bringing dumbness, besotted infatuation, madness or incarceration to the unfortunate human.

She is known as “Boogeyhoochie”.

She comes from Long Island and she loves knives.

You might have seen her before, under her human alias “Lindsay Lohan”:

The Boogeyhoochie scares everyone.

Parents fear their daughters and gay sons will mimic its behavior. Others fear their sons might date her and their unLindsay-like daughters might be a passenger in a car she’s driving.

Children of all ages, BEWARE!

Fear the Boogeyhoochie!

Remember that episode of The Simpsons where Bart becomes a celebrity by uttering the catchphrase “I Didn’t Do It”?

The catchphrase is back.

And it’s naked.

Two weeks ago, Yumiko Cheng, a Hong Kong singer had her second wardrobe malfunction in six months and pulled an “I Didn’t Do It”. She got a Wikipedia entry for all of her troubles.

Now, Puerto Rican singing sensation Noelia is pulling her second “I Didn’t Do It”. The first was when her sex tape leaked on the Internet. She didn’t get the fame that Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, and Kim Kardashian experienced, so she had her second “I Didn’t Do It” moment by having her top fall off on television (NSFW).

D’oh!

At the end of The Simpsons episode, Bart’s catchphrase makes him a joke and his attempts to gain respect and extend his 15 minutes blow up in his face. While this might be the last time we ever hear from Noelia (that is until she embraces her inner porn star), when will we see the end of the wardrobe malfunction as a cheap way of garnering press?

Hopefully, NEVER!

Yumiko Cheng is a Hong Kong singer who suffers from CWM (Chronic Wardrobe Malfunctionitis), publicly demonstrated twice in the past six months. Usually, CWM stems from a bad stylist or a desperate plea for attention. Her first episode occurred during a trapeze act that you can see here, while the second episode happened while performing in Canada, which you can find here (NSFW). The real problem for Yumiko isn’t her CWM, it’s the fact that she couldn’t maximize its impact (a la Janet Jackson on live TV) since the Vancouver airing was on tape delay, as opposed to the Toronto surprise. Two wardrobe malfunctions hasn’t broken her into the U.S. market, but the third time might be the charm!

At least Yumiko got a Wikipedia entry, which is more than what we can say about poor Noelia, who was broadcast in an act of her own with no increase in record sales. And that’s the real shame in all of this madness.

Back in the day, Aesop’s fables would be used to teach folks lessons on how not to behave. When I was a kid, G.I. Joe and He-Man, would warn about playing with fire or talking to strangers. Who is the Aesop or Orko for the 21st Century?

Isaiah Washington, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton are strong contenders for being participants in modern day morality fables, but there is another who has burst on the scene: Puerto Rican singer/model Noelia.

Haven’t heard about her before? Don’t worry, she isn’t even on Wikipedia! The mess about a sex tape her ex recorded is all over Technorati, which is safe for work, but the links are definitely not.

Unlike the Galilea Montijo sex tape scandal last month, the woman in the video is probably her, as a tattoo gives her away. What is the moral of the story?

Tattoos and Exes Will Do You In.

And that, my friends, is one to grow on.