Refried Screens

Poor Barak Obama. 

First he had to contend with Obama Girl trying to ruin his election and marriage.

That didn’t work, so the Man sent Britney Spears to take away Obama’s shine.

Big wheel kept on turning, proud Obama kept on burning.

Then, like a cold sore that won’t go away on prom night, Jeremiah Wright had to come back and run his mouth again and again.

Why would he jeopardize Obama’s chance to make history and become the first black President?

Because Jeremiah Wright fears Barak Obama’s success.  Take a look at Obama’s race speech:

The profound mistake of Reverend Wright’s sermons is not that he spoke about racism in our society. It’s that he spoke as if our society was static; as if no progress has been made; as if this country - a country that has made it possible for one of his own members to run for the highest office in the land and build a coalition of white and black; Latino and Asian, rich and poor, young and old — is still irrevocably bound to a tragic past. But what we know — what we have seen - is that America can change. That is true genius of this nation. What we have already achieved gives us hope - the audacity to hope - for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

If Obama’s run at the White House fails, so does Obama’s argument.  And Jeremiah Wright wins.  He can say, “See, look at what they did to Brother Obama.  I told you things haven’t changed.”  Then he can write a book, start a new congregation and rake in the $$$ representing good ol’ fashioned fearmongering.

And we all know about the danger of fear as taught by noted Unitarian Universalist Master Yoda:

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

People have questioned whether Obama was present during Wright’s infamous speeches. 

But they’re looking for the wrong churchgoer. 

Instead of looking for Mr. Obama, all eyes should be on whether Britney Spears was in the crowd.  After all, a Sith apprentice is never far from their Sith Lord.

That’s right, I’m suggesting that the Man behind Obama’s troubles is actually Jeremiah Wright.  He is the Emperor to Britney Spears’ Vader.  Darth Sidious to Obama Girl’s Maul.

These are dark times indeed.

Barak Obama, may the Force be with you.

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Not since Usher’s confessions or last weekend at St. Joseph’s rectory has a person spilled his guts over salacious activities like New York Governor David Paterson.

Why is this poor man telling us things we really don’t want to know?

It is for our own good.

Eliot Spitzer went down due to personal foibles.

Whoremongering personal foibles.

David Paterson liked Spitzer, although I think he likes being governor a lot more.

So, Paterson figured out, “You know what? If people care about personal slights and gossip, I’m gonna give it to them!”

Now we’re at a point where we are begging him to stop.

No more extramarital info…

No more cocaine admissions…

If Governor Paterson’s plan works, we won’t care about the personal lives of our politicians, just their public works.

If you doubt Governor Paterson’s plan, consider the fact that we’re just two weeks into his term.

And he has a lot more confessing to do.

By the end of the year, you’ll be crying “No Mas”.

Sure, you’ll still want gossip, but you’ll be getting it from a source you can enjoy without feeling guilty.

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After Eliot spitzered in the face of New York voters, his successor, David Paterson admitted that he too cheated on his wife.  But it was cool, since his wife cheated on him, too.  So there!

And if that wasn’t bad enough, he admitted to using cocaine. 

What next? Confessing to peeing in the shower?  Drinking the last of the milk and not throwing away the carton?  How about leaving dirty dishes in the sink?

Governor David Paterson is on the verge of being the confessing politician EVER!

He gets a pass because he’s blind, I guess.  Hell, guy has to get his kicks somehow. 

And who are we, the visually unimpaired, to pass judgment?

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First, Louis Farrakhan’s endorsement of Barak Obama raised the ire of some voters.

Now Barak Obama’s minister Jeremiah Wright, who inspired the title of Obama’s book The Audacity of Hope, threatens Obama’s presidential hopes.  I hope the title was worth it, Obama.

Since candidates are now held accountable for their preachers, I expect church enrollment to take a massive drop.  Sunday School is still safe, as long as politicians vacate with their families before the service begins. 

A fine excuse to avoid the collection plate, akin to this guy’s convoluted attempt to avoid paying gas:

And one can only imagine the political damage that will be done once preachers who speak in tongues have their sermons translated by Fox News.

In wake of Barak Obama’s trouble with ministers, I guess kids have a new excuse not to go to church:

“Mama, I wanna be President.”

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Bill Clinton has been campaigning tirelessly for his wife Hillary, especially after she was in hot water for her take on LBJ and MLK. But after falling asleep during an MLK celebration, he has some ’splainin’ to do:

Bill’s only hope is to say he ate before the sermon and had a touch of the “itis”:

Black American Vernacular English to describe a condition of sleepiness associated with eating meats and sauces, a real human phenomenon known that (in slang) is also sometimes called food coma. The foods commonly considered to be soul foods are generally high in both fat and carbohydrates, and are thus more likely to induce sleepiness.

If anyone can pull it off, it’s the country’s “first Black President“.

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Condoleezza Rice was going to address Congress and a protester got in her face, threatening to smear her with symbolic blood, but Condi wasn’t having it:

I don’t like Condi, but I love her “Bitch, please” expression:

If Condi can handle a sexist booty attack and the wackiness of weekly White House meetings, she sure as hell can handle fake blood and screaming.

The protester was lucky Condi’s tag-team partner Randy Bean wasn’t there.  Otherwise, she would have been victim to a Rice and Bean beatdown! 

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Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez made a politically devastating move last Sunday.  And it didn’t involve oil.  It involved silicone.

Inspired by the Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon, he made an eight hour appeal for the minds, and chests, of Venezuela’s youth:

“Now some people think, ‘My daughter’s turning 15, let’s give her breast enlargements.’ That’s horrible. It’s the ultimate degeneration.”  Chavez complained about the new fad of giving the plastic surgery operation at 15 — when Latin Americans celebrate a girl’s coming-of-age — during a diatribe against what he says are Western-imposed consumerist icons such as Barbie dolls.

While the world railed against Mattel toys containing lead paint,  it was Chavez who knew that Barbie was the real poisonous threat to children.

With Venezuela’s apparent stranglehold on beauty competitions, one would think that other countries, tired of losing top ten slots in the Miss Universe pageant to Venezuela, would join his cause.  Unfortunately, such a position would come at great cost:

They would have to forsake breast implants as well.

And that could never happen. 

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This guy starts asking questions about the secret society connection between Senator John Kerry and President George W. Bush…and gets tasered.
They don’t call them secret societies for nothin, kid!

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For years, women and minorities have speculated on the possible indignities accepted by Condoleezza Rice to become and maintain her status as a Republican Party token.

With Glenn Kessler’s new bio, The Confidante: Condoleezza Rice and the Creation of the Bush Legacy, their prayers have been answered:

Wanting to show his partner how firm Rice’s behind was, Coit Blacker postulated that if he aimed a quarter at her butt, it would bounce right off like a rocket. “He was right,” says Kessler. “[Rice] didn’t realize what he had done until everyone was laughing hysterically. She was flattered and proud.”

How did he know she was flattered and proud?  Did she spend the rest of the evening placing bets on which items she could bounce off her booty?  How else would you react when everyone is laughing at you?  And why didn’t Blacker (ironically a white dude) hang things off his dong instead? 

That’s right, because it’s easier to pick on Condi’s booty.

Outside, Condi might have been laughing, but inside, Condi was crying.

Having a firm booty should be appreciated privately, not persecuted publicly.

In wake of Bootygate, I shudder to think of the horrors poor Alberto Gonzales must have endured to become the Attorney General.  

Mark my words, there was a pinata involved.

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After Barak Obama dissed Obama Girl Amber Lee Ettinger, she responded by kicking him to the curb:

“I have to say I’m very impressed with Hillary Clinton. I watched the recent debates and I liked a lot of her answers!”

And to rub it in, she’s posing for Playboy, so Obama can see what he missed out on.

The news is a win-win-win, for everybody:

Obama and his family can move on… 

Hillary can ditch that YouTube dude…

And Bill Clinton has an opportunity to prove to Ms. Ettinger that it isn’t just Obama’s universal health care reform that can make her warm.

——

Who do you think is the winner?  Obama, Hillary, Bill, or the fans?

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