Refried Screens

For years, minorities have decried the lack of representation on shows like Seinfeld and Friends, for the basic fact that New York is chock full of ethnic folks.  Smallville is more diverse, and that place in Kansas, fer Pete’s sake!

The lack of diversity has been attributed to generational backwardness.  Old cooters like Jerry Seinfeld and the writers of Friends, weren’t raised in environments The Dude would call racially cool.  Unlike The Dude, they weren’t interested enough to enact change, man.   But the dude is fictional and the Real Housewives of New York are real. 

Last night, we finally saw minority representation other than LuAnn’s maid.  The first was a sassy Caribbean worker for Jill Zarin’s business.  The second was a recovering drug addict guided through a mock interview by the Countess. Then we had Black Joe at Bethenney Frankel’s birthday party at the track.

I though, “Man, she has a black friend!  Take that Seinfeld!”  Then we found out that Black Joe wasn’t a friend after all.  He was a negro who got them drinks and placed bets for her and her friends. Whether or not Black Joe is descended from Nigger Jim in  Huck Finn  remains to be seen.

If this is what diversity means to “Real” New Yorkers, I guess it’s a good thing that Friends and Seinfeld didn’t have minorities.

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Last night’s So You Think You Can Dance finale was awesome!

We saw reenactments of the best dances from the season…

The best two dancers made it to the finals… 

Nicole Scherzicantpronouncehername from the Pussycat Dolls stank up the stage, looking every bit of her 40+ years.  Whoever told her to perform craptastic dance moves on a show FEATURING REAL DANCERS should be fired…

And Sabra’s consistency won after beating Danny’s technical superiority. 

Everything seemed great, until one trend I noticed all season continued…

Unwarranted camera time for Lauren.

Her story was simple: she was a “helper” last season who was given a chance to show her stuff this season.

And show her stuff, she did.

Whenever there was a group shot, the cameras would always focus on her, even though she wasn’t the best dancer.

The video packages for the highlights of the season consistently featured her, even though she wasn’t the most popular dancer.

The numerous times she was up for elimination (chosen by call-in viewers), the final decision would be in the hands of the judges…who always let her stay over better dancers.

It made me wonder.

Who did Lauren “help” last season?  And what does “help” mean anyway?

First American Idol is rigged, now his buddy Nigel Lythgoe is messing with So You Think You Can Dance.

It’s a British conspiracy to corrupt our nation’s reality television purity by playing with our emotions.

And it disgusts me more than that stupid look on Mia Michaels’ grinch-like face:

Now you can finally watch Top Chef automaton hostess Padma Lakshmi without feeling nauseous, since she’s getting divorced from infidel hottie Salman Rushdie. No more will we be plagued by thoughts of Salman shtupping her farvegnugen. I always wondered if he was the reason for her weird, staggered enunciation and robotic expression. I don’t think we’ll find that out anytime soon, since it probably takes a lifetime to overcome that kind of trauma. There will probably be a temporary cease fire in Iraq, and Al Qaeda will probably halt bombing in a sign of unity with their Christian, Jewish, and Pagan brothers that this horrid relationship is coming to a close.The fight will eventually continue, but the world can rest, knowing that for one brief moment we were all on the same page.

DC Comics has reinterpreted our favorite Communist instrument of terror, Egg Fu, for the 21st Century. They gave him a shave and a language coach.

Old Fu:New Fu:
After checking out the changes, I realized Egg Fu’s true calling:

A featured ingredient on a reality cooking show.

On Top Chef, they’d probably make him into ‘egg yolk and sea urchin roe with vermicelli’.

On Hell’s Kitchen, they’d probably under cook poor Egg Fu and Chef Ramsay would have no choice but to throw him out, cursing all the way.

On Iron Chef, Chairman Kaga would challenge the contestants to break the shell which normally confines their thinking.

I don’t think any of the Egg Fu dishes would go over well with the judges. I hear he has a weird aftertaste, which is why you can’t get racial stereotype eggs at your local grocer.

With American Idol wrapped up, viewers are scrambling for something to watch.

Two suggestions that have popped up are also signs of the apocalypse:

1. Cheddar cheese aging in real-time on cheddarvision.tv
2. Three contestants fight over a kidney on The Big Donor Show, a new reality television program.

You can watch a the real-time cheese aging on cheddarvision.tv.

C’mon. You know you want to…

It’s no Sanjaya, but more entertaining than Barry Gibb or Gwen Stefani’s performance with Akon. Speaking of Akon, how do you think show producers would have reacted if he pulled the stunt he did in Trinidad with the 15 year old, live on Fox? Melinda Doolittle would’ve had a heart attack.

As far as the The Big Donor Show is concerned, we have your friends at the AP:

During the show, Lisa (the kidney donor) will hear interviews with the three candidates, their families and friends before choosing who will get her kidney. Viewers will be able to vote for a candidate via SMS text message, but the final determination will be Lisa’s.

The shocking plot twist?

There’s no guarantee the winner will actually receive the organ, because there is no tissue compatibility screening prior to the contestant selection.

So, the contestants, hoping for a donation, might actually get nothing.

But wait, there’s more!

The organ donor has cancer and it’s possible that her organs might spread the cancer.

With a ‘prize’ like that, it makes you wonder what the runners up get.

Before we start the “man folks outside of the U.S. are backwards” bandwagon, let’s look at our own reality history.

If a show which encourages young wimmenz to make out with Flavor Flav is legal in the U.S., should we be surprised that The Big Donor Show produced by Endemol NV, which created Big Brother and Fear Factor, is legal in another country?

According to Reuters, BNN the network airing the show on Dutch TV, has broadcast other reality TV shows, including one called “Shooting and Swallowing” illustrating the impact of drug use, and another show on sex called “This is How You Screw“.

One question from this despicable attempt at ratings must be answered:

Why isn’t BNN offered by my cable carrier?

Fortunately, the BBC heard my plea to Free Shilpa Shetty.

If the BBC can apologize (sorry, it’s British, so I’ll try again)…

If the BBC can apologise for the horrid treatment of Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother, including referring to the actress as “Shilpa Poppadom”; another contestant saying that Shetty should “f*ck off” home; and a dispute over Shetty cooking a chicken, ending with housemates making abusive remarks about Indian eating habits, then surely the Indian Supreme Court should accept her motions in Geregate.

“Shilpa Poppadom” should not be confused with with Ultramagnetic MC’s song Poppa Large…

Although referring to the svelte Indian Shetty as Poppa Large might make her believe that you’re calling her a “fat black man”.

That, in and of itself might not seem too bad, but it could set the stage for a legal trouble akin to what happened with Keira Knightley, who won a lawsuit against a newspaper who claimed she had an eating disdorder…and tried to blame her alleged anorexia for for the death of a 19 year old. I guess they don’t know about TOFIs or how skinny beautiful women are persecuted. Just ask Cameron Diaz.

The Poppa Large confusion could raise another claim if it causes Shilpa to lose a suitor who beleives she’s a dark, fat, black man instead of lightskinded…like the Indian guy who’s arranged bride rebuffed him for being too dark.

The Indian Supreme Court needs to handle their country’s color discrmination…after they help Shilpa first.

I mean, c’mon. She’s been beaten, lonely, and abused! They gotta have their priorities straight, right?

It was only a matter of time.

People like to talk about disfranchisement of Florida voters in the 2000 elections.

Folks raged.

Al Gore punked out.

Bush became president.

Stacey Stillman, loser in the first season of Survivor, sued CBS claiming that the producers arranged her exit and orchestrated the show’s outcome.

Jim McAllister rigged the vote against Tracy Flick in the movie Election. Tracy cried her poor eyes out, but justice was served. In the end, she got the presidential crown she greatly deserved.

Was Melinda Doolittle a victim of similar skullduggery?

According to Howard 100 news, American Idol lied about the results to get rid of Melinda Doolittle:

The show decided to switch horses at the last minute…Blake Lewis was allegedly scheduled to be told to go home last night, until Idol producers changed their minds. Our source claiming Simon Cowell allegedly said quote “F— Howard Stern,” and added that the Idol result last night would be the opposite of what Howard 100 News reported. All of which might explain the strange subdued mood on American Idol last night.

Not only did they make that allegation, Howard 100 went a step further and purports that in 6 seasons only two American Idol’s have been picked by the viewing public.

The source claims that this season, producers of the show had allegedly decided to go straight, to let viewer votes decide the winner, but panicked when Howard Stern and VotefortheWorst.com backed Sanjaya. The show then reverted back to picking the winner, according to our source. The source claims Sanjaya was running away with the competition, until producers decided to take back control and throw him off the show in spite of Sanjaya’s alleged vote victories.

Yes, it all goes back to Sanjaya.

I told you he was supposed to win!

The story concluded with three sources telling Howard 100 News that Jordin Sparks has long been scheduled to be the winner of American Idol.

Is this just a rumor?

Melinda did seem subdued.

And what about her t-shirt?

It says “Death Cheaters”. Is it a message? Did she really mean “death to the cheaters”? Who are the cheaters she’s referencing? The producers who rigged the vote?

Here’s the shirt in full:

(you can find them here).

Get your conspiracy caps on!

Did American Idol producers rig the results to spite Howard Stern?
Was Melinda Doolittle’s choice of garb a product of knowing she was going to be wronged?
Will producers go with the alleged original plan: Jordin Sparks as YOUR American Idol?
Or, since the cat is out of the bag, will American Idol producers flip the script and have Blake Lewis win?

This is nothing new. Back in the 50’s, Quiz Shows were the rage. Sponsors and producers realized that keeping popular contestants on the show would increase ratings and revenue.
So they rigged the results. When bitter, loser contestants ratted, the ratings dipped.
Congress soon got involved and passed laws regulating game shows. Quiz Shows disappeared for decades, but they’re back. And people are still complaining (for more on Quiz Show scandals, click here.)

Until American Idol releases the results, people will claim it’s rigged. Hell, even if the results were released, people will still claim it’s rigged.

As for me?

I look at that great source of nerd inspiration, The Matrix, for guidance:

“You know, I know this steak doesn’t exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy, and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss.”

Like Cypher, instead of raging against an illusionary construct…instead of turning my back on the show…

I’m gonna watch.

Blake and Jordin may not be as juicy and delicious as Cyber’s steak, but watching Blake’s horrid beatboxing and Jordin’s awkward gesturing while screeching through a song, sure as hell beats watching NCIS!
——
Do you think American Idol is rigged? Does it matter? Would Sanjaya have won?

Jaslene Gonzalez won America’s Next Top Model and proclaimed:

“I’m the Latin spice here. I’m not your girl next door but I’m your girl down the block in your hood.”

Ain’t nobody in my hood, current and past hoods included, look like that.

This, along with J.Lo’s assertion that she’s just your average girl from the hood has me perplexed.

We got LaKishas. We got women who look like Selena’s killer, and, if the neighborhood is getting gentrified, Rosie O’Donnell, but TOFI superstars like Jaslene and J.Lo? Hell to the no! (a primer on TOFIs can be found here)

You’re more likely to find a guy dressed in a bee outfit like Jerry Seinfeld at Cannes.

Where is this magical hood, filled with popstars and models?

The closest I can think of is Paradise Island AKA Themyscira, where Wonder Woman lives.
It’s filled with honeys.

Amazon honeys.

The only catch? Man can’t step foot on it.

A friend of mine, back in the day, thought Paradise Island was in Los Angeles:

“It’s like all of the best looking girls from every American high school moved there. For real. I went to school in Iowa. When I visited LA last week? I saw her. She moved there a year ago!”

George Costanza found a ‘forbidden city’ just like Paradise Island, when he used a photo of Jerry’s ‘man hands’ amazon. He had access until he lost the picture and got kicked out. When he returned, the city vanished.

Maybe the magical hood, like George’s forbidden city and Wonder Woman’s Paradise Island, exists, but we just don’t have the appropriate ghetto pass.

No wonder some rappers say they’ll never leave the projects.

Maybe the ‘projects’ they’re referencing is actually the magical hood.

Can you blame them for staying?
——-
Have you been to the magical hood? Why are Black and Latina TOFIs so quick to claim the hood, while White TOFIs rarely claim the trailer park?

Since Melinda Doolittle was voted off American Idol last night, folks are scrambling for reasons why the most talented, consistent performer isn’t going to be in the finals.

One reviewer from the Washington Post theorizes:

Everything about Jordin and Blake seemed younger — they are younger, truth be told — and it’s a truism that America worships youth.

Do Americans worship youth?

If you look at the top grossing movies for 2007, according to Box Office Mojo, all of the top 5 movies have old farts in them:

Spider-Man has been around since the 60s.
300 = Old Spartan farts.
Wild Hogs has an ensemble cast of old farts.
Nicholas Cage. Nuff said.
Will Ferrell = funny old fart.

If we worshipped youth, how do you explain the M.I.L.F. phenomenon?

How do you explain old as dirt Taylor Hicks beating the younger Katherine McPhee in last season’s American Idol finale?

And how do you explain my broke ass, raggedy 65 year old neighbor still pulling honeys?

Something else is afoot.

I, like many others, stopped voting for Melinda weeks ago because she seemed to be a shoo in. There wasn’t a sense of urgency to make sure her old (by American Idol standards) ass passed to the next round.

Once Chris Richardson and Sanjaya lost, the tween vote went to Blake.

And tweens are rabid.

Look at the footage from last night. The crowds for Blake and Jordin were buckwild. Melinda’s fans, on the other hand, looked like paid extras and family members of the American Idol camera crew…much like that weird, fat, hairy guy in all of the American Idol Ford commercials.

If you really want to know how we are, let’s look at some recent events:

We know that gas shouldn’t be $4 a gallon…
We know that Michael Buble shouldn’t have the #1 album of the week…
We know that Richard Gere shouldn’t be persecuted for making out with a hot Bollywood actress…

And what do we do about it?

Not a goddamn thing!

So, I ask you again, is the reason why Melinda Doolittle lost because Americans worship youth?

Nope. We’re just lazy.
—–
Why do you think Melinda was voted off last night? And, who the hell is buying Michael Buble’s album?

If you visit VH1’s ‘I Love New York’ reality dating show website (where we found the lovely photo to the left) you will see Sanjaya as a contestant. “He” is vying for one of five voter selected contestant slots who will appear on the second season.

For the uninitiated, Tiffany ‘New York’ Pollard (no relation to Richard Tiffany Gere) is bombastic, ghetto in stilettos. New York’s show is her attempt to find love after being rejected twice by Flavor Flav. She was such a hit, VH1 gave her a show.

In the ‘I Love New York’ season finale, New York picked Patrick ‘Tango’ Hunter to be her man. He responded by asking for her hand in marriage. She accepted, but he kicked her to the curb on the reunion show, because he found out that she broke bad on his moms.

Imagine what she’d do to Momjaya.

What would Sanjaya do in a house with thugs, ugly pretty boys, and cretins?

New York once had the contestants box one another. ‘Mr. Boston‘, the resident punk-ass, got his nose broken by ‘Chance‘, a street tough…who loves horses so much he named his rap group ‘Stallionaires’ .

The question remains, is it really Sanjaya? The video looks authentic. So does the quote. TMZ weighs in on it, but is uncertain.

The only problem with believing it’s the real Sanjaya?

The casting call for the show requires applicants to be 21+.

His age on the website: 21.

The real Sanjaya is 17.

Is this an attempt by VH1 to lure Sanjaya faithful to a new season of celebreality or, as queerty suggests, folks can’t tell Indians apart? Or is Sanjaya committing the equivalent of underage drinking? Maybe VH1 made a ‘Sanjaya age exemption’?

I guess we’ll find out.

One could dream, though. And if we can’t dream? Why bother living?
——-
Do you think it’s the real Sanjaya? How do you think he’ll do on the show?