Refried Screens

Remember the Diff’rent Strokes TV show opening. Fun and bouncy, right? Now watch it with new music…

Yup, there was a riot in New York during America’s Next Top Model Auditions:

Any guess how long it’ll be before she covers it on her talk show?

Toccara Jones from America’s Next Top Model went ballistic on Celebrity Fit Club Boot Camp:

People want to blame ANTM, but what they fail to realize is Tocarra’s meltdown was due to two things:

She never recovered from multiple police taserings in 2005 and three years of tight-ass weaves.

With the Writer’s Guild Association contract expired, many have wondered what effect an impending strike will have on the shows we love.

Speculation of cliffhanger episodes delaying your favorite shows is a popular theory.

Others believe network moguls will be able to cancel underperforming shows to save a buck or a million:

As for Chernin, Iger, Barry Meyer, Moonves, and also Zucker, they actually welcome a strike because they believe the 2007/2008 TV season is dead on arrival anyway. So many new shows are tanking in the ratings and/or going over budget and/or having production problems (Fox’s Back To You, Nashville, K-VILLE; CBS’ Kid Nation, Cane and Viva Laughlin; NBC’s Journeyman, Life and Bionic Woman; ABC’s Cavemen, Big Shots, Dirty Sexy Money, and Pushing Daisies.) Even returning hit shows are losing their Nielsen luster (NBC’s Heroes, ABC’s Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy, CBS‘ CSI:Miami and Cold Case) that they feel this is as as good a time for a strike as any.

Speculation be damned.  It turns out that there might be some truth to mogul cancellation love, as Heroes: Origins got its plug pulled:

Fears of a writers strike may have already contributed to a decision NBC made Wednesday to pull the highly anticipated spinoff miniseries of its hit “Heroes” from a midseason launch…Sources indicated “Origins” may be just the first of many projects lined up at the broadcast networks in 2008 that will get downgraded as a result of the potential strike, which could severely affect the TV industry. Budget allocations made months ago for a range of scripted programs, many of which will not be feasible without sidelined writers, will likely be reconsidered and potentially shifted to strike-proof material like reality and news programs.

The only viewers who win from a prospective strike? 

Fans of trashy reality television shows!

Has-been celebrities of the world, get your headshots ready!  If Flavor Flav and Bret Michaels can comeback, you can too!

  In a shocker, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night.  And it did not go over well:

Bryan remained upbeat, but others were not shy about expressing their disappointment. Wiping tears from her eyes, a somber Carrie Ann Inaba told PEOPLE, “This is an outrage and an upset. It’s so disappointing and heartbreaking, not to mention complete shock. How do you explain Sabrina leaving? She’s been at the top of the leader board from week one. Everyone assumed she’d be in the finale.”

“It’s a big shock and a big loss for the show,” pro dancer Anna Trebunskaya said, tears streaming down her face. “She was one of the best performers on the show ever. I think the show might suffer a little bit because the level of dancing will go down. It’s so sad that America didn’t vote for the best dancer. She was so clearly the best.”

This reminded me of the infamous American Idol elimination of Melinda Doolittle last season.

Like Melinda Doolittle, Jennifer Hudson, and Lacy from So You Think You Can Dance, the message is clear.

America isn’t ready for girls who are chunky but funky.

Months ago, when Drew Carey was announced as The Price Is Right’s new host, I was livid. How in the world could a cheeseball like Drew Carey live up to Bob Barker’s L.A. Hef-lite style? If Bob Barker had the power to excite Samoan women, what kind of power does Drew Carey have?

This clip has the answer.

I should have known better than to have doubted the wisdom of television producers. If Drew Carey can induce the movement of bowels, the show is sure to be a hit!

Some folks wanted to know how Vanessa Hudgens’ photos was leaked on line.   Fingers were pointed at Zac Efron and Drake Bell.   But who was left out of the blame?  Gabriella Montez’ arch enemy Sharpay Evans AKA Ashley Tisdale from High School Musical.

Turns out she had her own wardrobe malfunction a few months ago.  Maybe Vanessa Hudgens took the on-screen fictional rivalry into the real world!  I don’t think her character Gabriella Montez would stoop so low.

When did stripping become a pre-requisite for appearing in kids shows? In times like these, when we can’t trust the kids programming idols to keep their clothes on, I realize just how special Mister Rogers was.

The only thing he’d ever take off was his sweater!

A few months ago, I asked whether it was worth canceling Deadwood for John From Cincinnati.

Today, we got our answer:

The wave has crashed for “John From Cincinnati.” A day after its first-season finale, HBO on Monday canceled the dark surfing drama.

Labeled by critics as “strange,” “weird” and “unlikable,” “John” never clicked with viewers despite a strong marketing campaign. (Hollywood Reporter)

Does this mean HBO will bring Deadwood or Carnivale, you know, watchable shows, back on-air?

You’ve seen nothing, and I mean nothing, until you’ve seen the latest rage on Japanese television:

I think the U.S. needs a celebrity edition.
Who wouldn’t want to see Kobe Bryant get blasted in the nuts?
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Who would you want to see on this show, other than the writer of this article?

Once word hits the streets that NBC greenlit a show called Without Breasts There Is No Paradise (translated from the telenovela, Sin Tetas) the sparks will fly.

Is the show about breast cancer or some other after-school special topic that makes one feel guilty for prejudging it on title alone?

Nope. It’s about a 17-year-old call girl who “worries that her flat chest will consign her to a life of poverty”.

Tits, whoring, and jail bait = ratings gold?

This led me on a quest to find the Perviest Titles in the History of Television, the kind of show titles that made you do a double take the first time you heard them…on a non-porno network:

Leave It To Beaver
Perhaps the only show that will never be redone with a girl playing the Beaver. With a title like this, was there any choice to not introduce Jerry Mathers “as the Beaver” at the beginning of the show?

Perversions of Science
What is a list about the Perviest Titles without this show listed? It was a Tales From The Crypt rip off with a better name. Unfortunately it wasn’t enough to keep the show on air for more than a season.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Remember when you first heard the name of the show? You did a double take. I know you did.

Schlitz Playhouse of Stars
‘Nuff said.

That’s My Bush!
If Gore won, it would have been called Everybody Loves Al. It’s uncertain whether or not the Gore show could have lasted more than the eight episodes of Bush. Did I just write that?

Deadwood
The fact that the show came on after Six Feet Under made me first think it was a rigor mortis joke. By the time Big Love came on, I had learned my lesson.

After reviewing the Perviest Titles in the History of Television, I realized there hasn’t been, and probably never will be, a television show with a title pervier than Without Breasts There Is No Paradise on a family friendly network.
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Which show do you think has the Perviest name?