Refried Screens

The first videogame didn’t include humans.  It had blocks.

Then alien blocks surfaced…

This brought about the most racially harmonious time EVER.  Yellow blocks, pink blocks, and black blocks all came together to form shapes. 

Then technology intervened and made the worst situation ever.

People in videogames.

Games like Custer’s Revenge brought race in a world where it never existed.

Tomb Raider brought in body issues.

And now, Resident Evil has Africans….zombified Africans.

And it’s causing a stir.

When I first saw the pics of the upcoming Resident Evil game, I thought, “Kewl!  We FINALLY get a Tiger Woods action game!” 

But I was wrong.  Some folks are upset that someone had the nerve to propose Zombiedom as the solution to African hunger. 

Others are upset that people are talking about race, when zombie killing is an equal opportunity sport. 

Unlike ethnic stereotypes in movies, no minority actors get paid. After all, that’s what really upset Masi Oka about Rob Schnieder’s role in Chuck And Larry (whether Oka knew Schnieder is Asian hasn’t been established yet).  

You’d think people would be glad that the continent was finally getting some representation after being shut out of Street Fighter 2 and the first 12 Resident Evil games.  There were white zombies, green zombies, yellow zombies, but never African zombies. 

But folks on both sides are upset, and no one even bothered to ask any of the African zombies in the game how they feel about the issue. Maybe Chris Redfield was torn on the topic too.

But I have a solution. 

Let’s just go back to blocks. They don’t hurt anyone. 

Ooops.  I spoke too soon..

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For some reason this commercial for Taiko no Tatsujin for the Nintendo DS reminded me of the old SNL skit where Prince Charles used futuristic technology to turn himself into a tampon. It was a riff on Charlie telling then mistress Camilla Parker Bowles in a phone call that he wanted to be reincarnated as her tampon.

Sorry for that mental picture. And I hope it has no bearing on your intent to buy what seems to be an exciting videogame.

Super Mario is on track to have the worst year ever.

First, Seung-Hui Cho imitated a Super Mario ‘Hammer Brother’ before engaging in horrific behavior at Virginia Tech.

Now, we’ve learned that a terrorist plot against Fort Dix surfaced from a restaurant inspired by the noble plumber: Super Mario Pizza.

Is it any wonder that Super Mario now lives in Brooklyn? Unemployed? With a mushroom addiction?

Super Mario was created to inspire love, not hate…even if you saw the horrid 1993 Super Mario Bros movie or even worse, Fred Savage’s 1989 Super Mario movie ‘The Wizard‘.

Now, it seems that Super Mario has turned into 21st Century’s ‘The Catcher In The Rye’, a work blamed for the Reagan Assassination attempt, John Lennon’s murder, and is the most banned book in the U.S.

In high school, we had to get signed permission slips from our parents in order to read ‘The Catcher In The Rye’.

What fate will befall Super Mario?

An adult rating? Government oversight?

Let’s hope we at least get a ban on Super Mario movies.

That’s the most humane thing to do for our vulnerable youth.

Someone finally pulled a John Hinckley analysis, AKA “Blame the Movie/Book/Videogame for creating the psycho“, on Cho Seung-Hui for the Virginia Tech massacre. The movie of choice, for today at least, is Oldboy.

Look at the photo: Cho has a hammer and so does Dae-Su Oh, the protagonist of Oldboy. Cho was violent and so was Dae-Su.

Forget the fact that Cho used 9mm and .22-caliber pistols, not a hammer.

Forget the fact that Oldboy took place in Korea and Dae-Su fought to defend himself from thugs who kidnapped him and a criminal mastermind who tricked him into committing incest.

Yes, you read that right: Dae-Su slept with his daughter. At the end of the movie, once he finds out, he cuts out his tongue.

Forget that Dae-Su doesn’t commit suicide. He, like George Michael suggested, Chooses Life. Unlike George Michael, Dae-Su decides to continue his monogamous relationship with his daughter. Unlike Dae-Su, Cho was childless and kept his tongue intact. Unlike Dae-Sue’s mop-top hairstyle, Cho shaved his head.

What is the parallel between Dae-Su and Cho? Oh yeah, I forgot.

He took a photo with a hammer.

Since Cho was an English major, wouldn’t it make more sense to blame John Henry?

Maybe Cho took a Norse Myths class. We can blame Thor…

Sorry, he probably read comics, so I got the wrong Thor…

Nope, throw all that out the window. It’s Oldboy to blame.

If out of touch critics want to blame something. Why not blame a videogame? That’s the “hip” thing to do these days. Don’t worry, if you’re not up on videogames. I’ll give you a character who, like Cho, has a hammer…and even better yet…he’s Asian!:

That’s right. The Hammer Brother from Super Mario.