Refried Screens

Lauryn Hill gave a performance in Oakland last Wednesday which had the same perplexed fan reaction as The Police concerts:

Looking not unlike a bag lady one might encounter at a taco truck on International Boulevard…A raspy tone, cracked notes, clipped phrases and melismas that meandered painfully off pitch demonstrated just how badly Hill’s once-commanding pipes have deteriorated.

Not quite the artist fans expected.

But so what?

Why should Lauryn Hill look as hot, sing as magnificently, and perform with the perfection she did ten years ago? If she wants to look like a Taco Truck Bag Lady, flub words, and appear to be a total mess, she has every right! After all, she sang Killing Me Softly and you didn’t…unless you are Roberta Flack (which I doubt), but that’s not the point. The point is, Lauryn Hill is a star. And stars are supposed to be eccentric.

Old Lauryn…

New Lauryn…

The true problem is expectation. When you drop $88.50, you should know what you’re getting. Personally, I would’ve found the new bag lady look well worth the price of admission. And a fumblin’, bumblin’, stumblin’ Police? Priceless. But hey, that’s just me.

Unwitting fans who expect the Lauryn Hill of the 90s or The Police of the 80s should be warned before they drop their hard earned money. So I propose government intervention. There should be a “Artist Expiration Date/Fan Advisory System” akin to the expiration dates and warnings placed on prescription drugs.

Lauryn Hill’s concert would come with an expiration date of 12/31/2002 and warnings like “Reduced Physical Appearance. Loss of Vocal Performance. Prone to starting show 2 hours late. Loathe To Previous Commercial Success.”

The Police would have an expiration date of 5/12/1992 and warnings like “Frequent Miscues and Tripping. Susceptible To Old Fartitude. Loss of Syncopation. Unbelievably Lame. ”

Artist Expiration Dates and Warning Labels can do so much good. Lauryn Hill can be who she wants to be. Nostalgic fans can save their money. And people like me who love to watch train wrecks can keep on keepin’ on. Isn’t that what music is supposed to be about anyway?

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