Drew Can’t Carey Bob’s Mic
Unlike other folks, I’m absolutely disgusted by the decision to replace Bob Barker with Drew Carey on The Price Is Right. The first couple of shows will have high ratings based on the same morbid fascination which leads people to stare at roadkill. But after that, a
beloved American television institution will be canceled faster than you can say Twin Peaks.
That’s why I decided to list 7 Reasons Why Drew Carey Can’t Carry Bob Barker’s Mic:
7. Geriatric Mortality Rates Will Spike
Senile seniors who have watched Bob for years will be so confused when they see Drew. They’ll think he’s former announcer Rod Roddy, summoned from the grave for vengeance by the legions of pets who lost their testicles under Bob Barker’s ’spay and neuter program’.
From This:
To This:
6. He Can’t Putt
How can he demonstrate “Hole In One” when he can’t golf? First swipe he takes is putting someone’s eye out. Network execs will try to recover by trying to hire Wayne Brady to be his caddy. What they won’t understand is Wayne Brady ain’t nobody’s caddy!
5. He Lacks The Commitment
Just like an apprentice to a kung fu master, a padawan to a jedi master or a personal assistant to Lindsay Lohan, you have to forsake all other things when you take the job of host on The Price Is Right. How else are you to learn the nuances of Plinko? The art of the Showcase Showdown? The focus to put the Hole In One?
Carey is going to be hosting an evening show on CBS the same time he’s supposed to learn all of the wisdom amassed by Bob Barker. He will most certainly fail.
4. He’s No Threat To Barker’s Beauties
Bob Barker sexually harassed with the Barker girls. He had a Hef-like quality, without the STD aura. When the allegations were raised, we all believed it, even though Bob Barker had his pet poodle fluffy tell America “not to believe the bimbo”, even though he had them hike up their skirts on camera.
Yep, he did it alright, and we can forgive him.
If Drey Carey so much as touches one of those girls with his meat hooks, his ass will be lynched.
3. He’s Not A Fat Chick Magnet
Big women loved them some skinny Bob Barker. He was smooth, in that tacky Hollywood gameshow way. They wanted to suffocate his frail frame with wholesome meaty goodness.
Take a look at one of many attacks here. He wasn’t running away out of fear. He was playing hard to get.
Drew Carey is the quintessential big boned dude. He repels positive fatty female energy. It’s a scientific fact. And you don’t argue with science, now do you?
2. He Will Be Hated By Samoans
What is The Price Is Right without Samoan women hoisting Bob Barker in the air?
Take a look at a montage here.
Samoans will hate Drew Carey. The first time a Samoan woman wins wins a car, she’ll hurt her back trying to pick up Drew Carey. Samoans will boycott and picket the show. Civil disobedience will bring the Boo Yaa Tribe out of retirement and the community will demonstrate their frustration by engaging in random acts of hoisting.
A lawsuit will follow, and the show will be shut down. Bet on it!
1. He Doesn’t Care About Animals
Bob Barker’s message was ’spay or neuter your pets’.
Drew Carey has a message for the Animal Liberation Front (ALF):
Come to think of it, maybe Drew Carey will be funny on the show. Especially if the ALF is beefing with him. Do vegetarians beef, though? Or do they lettuce? Maybe the more appropriate term is “tossin’”. Let’s try it:
Especially is the ALF is tossin’ with him.
Meh…
Should’ve given the job to Wayne Brady
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July 29th, 2007 at 4:26 am
It takes a certain amount of non-ness to be a good game show host. Pat Sajak has it. Donny Osmond has it. Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t have it. Bob Barker sort of had it, and I think Drew Carey’s in the same boat. Clive Anderson would have failed at it; you don’t want the contestants to walk out on you.
August 1st, 2007 at 8:42 pm
That’s a good idea for a game show. “How long will it take a contestant to walk out” AKA “How bad do you want the toaster”. I’d watch it in a heartbeat!