Refried Screens

When I was a kid, there were bumper stickers on the back of vans that served as a public service announcement:

It was intended as a warning from people who wanted to be left alone while doing the nasty in their van.

And then this morning, I read this:

Foot-tapping, the odd Morse code of anonymous bathroom sex, is “a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct,” wrote airport police Sgt. Dave Karsnia. But there are many more ways to communicate desire in this sexual subculture, say legal and behavioral experts as well as law enforcement officials. Consider eye contact and the three-second rule. The lingering at the urinal. And any bathroom will do, be it in an airport, a department store, a mall or a highway rest stop.

I had no idea.

Senator Larry Craig was arrested and stripped of his senatorial duties as a result of his tapping. Tucker Carlson was so upset over the prospect of being buggered after not knowing the signal, he engaged in gay bashing.

I wonder how many guys didn’t know their toilet stall tap dance was a gay mating call?

To avoid further miscues, we need a new slogan to alert heterosexual men about foot tapping in the john.

How about “Don’t Be Dancing, If You Don’t Want Romancing” or “Tap Your Feet If You Want Man Meat”?

They’re catchy and get the point across. I’m sure there are better examples that marketers can come up with.

And I hope they don’t wait too long.

Some poor homophobe’s kidney is on the verge of bursting because he’s avoiding public restrooms…and the buggery which awaits him.

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