Refried Screens

Back in my days as a trained Shakespearean actor, I, and my fellow classically trained Shakespearean actors, were taught to pretend that there was an imaginary wall between the stage and the audience. This was known as the fourth wall, and actors were not supposed to show awareness of anything past that wall. In other words, the audience. For if we showed awareness of the audience, it would be harder for the audience to suspend its disbelief that it was watching real events taking place on stage.

Musicians, on the other hand, have no fourth wall. They engage in call and response, chants, sing alongs and other…plebian behaviors. This can result in bonding. It can also result in booing and in some cased pitching things at the performers. For some strange reason, attendees who throw things at performers fail to understand a simple maxim:

If you can hit the performer, chances are, the performer can hit you.

This was painfully apparent during an ESPY Awards pre-party in Los Angeles Wednesday night where a fan allegedly tossed an object at rapper T.I., who responded by diving into the crowd and attacking the fan with his microphone before being escorted out of the venue. (MTV).

To celebrate T.I. beating up his third fan this year, and to promote safe, family entertainment like Shakespearean theatre, I bring you the Top 5 Concerts That Would Scar You For Life in reverse order:

#5 Akon in Fishkill
Akon was opening his heart about how hard it was to adjust to living in the U.S. Akon shared his feelings of alienation as an African in America. What did he get in return? A piece of trash thrown at him. Here’s how Akon responded:

A guy who looks like Adebisi from OZ waxing poetic about Africa, gorilla slamming a fan, and then singing tacky gangster pop love songs? You wouldn’t be the same after watching that live.

#4 Guns N’ Roses in St. Louis
The infamous camera incident:

Akon kicked some ass, but there wasn’t no riot! That’s what puts GNR on the list higher than him.

#3 The Sex Pistols in San Antonio
According to a live account:
The band hit Randy’s stage around 11 p.m. Johnny Rotten wore a T-shirt depicting two cowboys having sex. Sid Vicious, experiencing withdrawal pangs from his heroin addiction, scrawled “Gimmie a Fix” on his bare chest. Rotten taunted the crowd, calling them all “fucking cowboy faggots.” Aluminum cans and Lone Star Longnecks instantly rained the stage and continued throughout the entire set. One irate fan attempted to climb the stage and assault Vicious. Sid cracked his bass guitar over the fan’s head. The Pistols blasted through their set under the no-nonsense bright white stage lights.
Just badass. The Pistols were picking a fight and they got one. In addition, the fact that they finished the show makes The Sex Pistols > GNR.

#2 L7 at the 1992 Reading Festival
The crowd started slinging crap at the group and singer/guitarist Donita Sparks responded by removed her tampon on-stage and threw it into the crowd. L7 ranks high on the list because of originality, the gross factor, and the fact that people still talk about it.
Donita took it to a whole ‘nother level. It was original, gross as hell, offensive, and probably caused a puking outbreak not seen since Lard Ass:

People entered the show wanting to rock, and left it scarred for life.

#1 Any performance by GG Allin
According to Rolling Stone, Allin was best known for his blood-and-guts live show, which included such crowd pleasers as defecating on stage and brawling with the audience.
GG Allin takes the cake for doing it every time he performed. Unlike GWAR, the liquids were real. People knew this, and still paid to see it! Every attendee was assaulted by the show. And that’s why GG Allin sits far and away from anyone else at #1.

T.I. may have a long way to go before he can touch GG Allin, but T.I. is young, and has a lot of time to perfect his act. I’m sure he’ll be defecating on stage in no time.

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