Refried Screens

The Paparazzi did what Skylar couldn’t do…

They GOT the cheerleader:

So much for Heroes.

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Another day, another minister controversy.

As if Jeremiah Wright and John Hagee weren’t enough, now we have Father Michael Pfleger:

Father Pfleger isn’t just a threat to Obama, nor is Father Pfleger just a threat to typo-averse writers.

Father Pfleger is a threat to black ministers.

After all, Jeremiah Wright was never this funny or entertaining.

First white people took the blues from black performers, then rock and roll, and eventually rap music.

Now, they’ll take the Black Church!

Lawd have mercy!

Just when Harry Potter fans thought they overcame the grief of the end, JK Rowling teased that she’s bringing back the bones of the wee wizard…for charity:

Author JK Rowling has penned an 800-word outline of a prequel to the seven book series that has made her into a billionaire which will be sold at the auction on June 10 by bookseller Waterstones. 

I fear some poor, recovering Potthead will spend his kid’s college fund for a peek.  Come to think of it, I actually fear whoever buys the bloody thing.

They’ll end up worse than Gollum trying to protect their precious outline from pesky, hobbit-like creatures.

Oh, the horror!

Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo, with all of his money and fame, is still stuck in 11th grade:

“He (Romo) had the nerve to put Jessica on speaker phone and talk about their sex life with all his guys listening and laughing at her. Not only is this girl dumb, but she is completely self conscious about her bedroom skills.”

We warned about overhyping celebrity women last year.  Apparently celebrity dudes are just as bad!

And fellas, maybe this should help you get over your Jessica Simpson crush!  Not that you actually had a chance.  But with her strikeouts with celebrity guys, maybe you actually have a….

Who are we fooling?   You still don’t have a chance to get with Jess, her horrid skillz, and overbearing dad!

News anchors and basketball players aren’t the only folks to lose it under pressure. Bill O’Reilly got all crazy before it became his conservative calling card:

All of this discord is the reason why the world would have been a better place if Jason Castro won American Idol. We need his mellow brand of music to, like, calm people down without the use of artificial stimulation.

Ratings are down this season for American Idol and last night we finally figured out why:

None of the faves to win have any credibility.

Syesha pathetically fails at sexing up cabaret.

David Cook can’t pull off emo.

And David Archuleta makes everything sound like elevator music.

When Tina Turner sang Proud Mary, you could believe that she actually saw the big wheel that kept on turning. Aretha and Carol King made millions feel like Natural Women. And Otis Redding made you feel like you were Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay wasting time.

In other words, real singers can EMOTE.

Each American Idol contestant theoretically has enough drama in their lives to draw upon for emotion, but they just don’t know how to do it.

David Archuleta may not know love, but he knows the cold sting of his stage dad’s backhand. But when Archuleta sings about fear, it’s not believable.

Syesha Mercado suffered through a drug addled father, but Syesha acts like she doesn’t know what Fever is, although she’s seen fiending first hand.

When David Cook sings about not wanting to Miss A Thing, we don’t know if he’s missed anything until we look at his comb over and realize David Cook misses hair lost through male pattern baldness.

They lack soul, passion, and realness.

Realness isn’t really a word, but when some people say it, you BELIEVE IT, dangumbit!

Unless the American Idol finalists can convince us that they know the emotions contained in the words and melodies of the songs they’re singing. Unless they can do more than just remembering words, screeching, and displaying vocal control and range, nobody willl buy their credibility as artists now and nobody will buy their records either.

Simon you do have a problem.

Moments before Sue Simmons lost her cool in New York, LeBron James told his mother to sit her @$$ down in Cleveland:

What is this world coming to? LeBron should’ve let his moms knuckle up with Paul Pierce.

Vince McMahon, you have your Wrestlemania Main Event delivered on a silver platter.

Last night on WNBC-TV’s Channel 4, Sue Simmons dropped the F-Bomb during a promo (NSFW):

I blame co-Anchor Chuck Scarborough. If you look at his expression before Simmons went crazy, you can tell he’s clearly up to no good.

Hopefully she doesn’t suffer the fate of Arthur Chien who was fired after Opie and Andy fans set him up (NSFW):

First 50 Cent gets jacked, and now Suge Knight gets beat down at a club.

Things normally happen in threes, so gansta rappers, watch out!

50 Cent survived being shot, but didn’t really trust his fans, so he wore a bulletproof vest on stage during his concerts.

One can assume it works. After all, 50 Cent hasn’t been shot at since wearing the vest.

But Fiddy should have learned from country singer Tim McGraw that getting a cap busted in your ass is the least of one’s worries when performing on stage.

Last year during a concert, a fan grabbed Tim’s family jewels right in front of wifey Faith Hill.

Later, after shaking hands with the crowd, McGraw got his wedding ring snatched.

50 Cent probably thought it was the work of hillbillies, and paid it no mind. 

After a concert in the African country Angola, 50 Cent received a harsh lesson about concert security when a thug snatched Fiddy’s chain off his chest ON STAGE:

50 Cent was supposed to be down with Brownsville’s M.O.P., so he should’ve heard their song Ante Up at least once:

Them thugs you know, ain’t friendly
Them jewels you rock, make em envy
You thinkin it’s all good, you creep through a small hood
Goons comin up outta cut for your goods and they all should
Ante Up! Yap that fool

Maybe 50 Cent, like girls who dance to misogynistic songs at the club, liked the beat so much, he didn’t pay attention to the words.